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Stories from Women who've had abortions

The following accounts are from women who have submitted their stories to share with other visitors. The stories contained here are very varied - they come from all different types of women, who had abortions for all different types of reasons, with all different types of views. Some are extremely upset about their abortions, and regret them and would change their minds if given another chance - others are women who had a difficult time, yet still think the abortion was the right thing for them, and are managing okay despite the experience. My idea here is not to promote one specific view of abortion - I want to give all women a chance to tell their story, their experience and their feelings.

With that said, some of the stories here may contain experiences, descriptions or feelings that may be graphic, and sensitive readers may be upset by these things. So if you are feeling sensitive, go slowly. If a story starts upsetting you, then stop reading it and skip this section for a while.

Please remember these are the stories of many individual women, and are their personal views and feelings. You may not agree with what they are feeling, or what they say. That's okay! The idea here is just to give women a chance to be heard about how they feel. If you've had an abortion, and need to talk about it right away, you can check out the I need to talk now! section
If you are interested in submitting your story for posting on the website, here's the link to Tell Your Story (As new stories are added, they are put on higher number pages, so for example stories on Page 6 are newer ones than Page 3.) If you are interested in sharing your story for a book I am writing about PASS and women's experiences with PASS, please see the PASS Book Section

Spotlight Stories - a changing collection of detailed special stories

Story Index

| Stories Page 1 | Stories Page 2 | Stories Page 3 | Stories Page 4 | Stories Page 5 | Stories Page 6 | Stories Page 7 | Stories Page 8 | Stories Page 9 | Stories Page 10 | Stories Page 11 | Stories Page 12 |

  • I was only 14 years old. I was going to be a freshman in high school, I was going through this "rebel" stage against my dad and I was curious about sex.

  • I had an abortion on November 17th 1998. It seems strange to think about how long ago it was, It seems like only yesterday.

  • It was two months after I graduated from high school. My boyfriend of a year and a half, and I were on vacation with his parents.

  • I was 22 years old and completely lost in life. I was extremely selfish at that time and cared only about my friends and meeting guys at bars and concerts.

  • I met my Boyfriend *Glen* when I was 19. After 5 months of dating (3 months living together) I found out I was pregnant.

  • Hi my name is noitroba and I have recently had an abortion. Today I would be twenty weeks which is about five months or so.

  • I'm 27 and a responsible person in nearly every aspect of my life. That's why this was all so shocking to me. I decided to have a one-night-stand with a man I barely know one night.

  • I just had my abortion in October of 1999. I was 19 and 3 days away from starting school at the Art Institute of Fort Lauderdale.

  • i was 14 years old when i had my abortion.. i was already screwed up from sexual assault most of my life. Sex was nothing new to me, so when my boyfriend asked me to have sex with him, i did..

  • I was only 14 years old. I was going to be a freshman in high school, I was going through this "rebel" stage against my dad and I was curious about sex. I had only had sex a few times before with the same guy, this was the first and the last with the school "heartthrob" I was so happy he chose me...or was I? Well we did it and I went 3 1/2 months before telling someone. I only live with my dad and older brother, but was close with my aunt who always told me that if I needed birth control that she'd be there. I was to embarrassed to ask. I finally told her my secret and she told me she would support me in any decision that I wanted to make, but I had to tell my dad. I did and he basely already knew because I went almost completely through my first trimester which meant pure nausea and throwing up 24 hours a day {why do they call it morning sickness?}. Well my dad ended up taking me to the two day process and I still remember every detail from the moment I walked in the door and the moment I walked out. I was never a bad kid and it completely crushed my dad. I will never forget when I went in for the second day for the final process when this girl who I saw earlier the day before told me that everything was going to be alright and not to be scared, I wish I could thank her she made me feel a lot better. After the process I was so depressed and failed every one of my classes and suffered from PASS. Then I finally told my bestfriend, who helped a great deal. I still suffer sometimes more than others, I cant shake the guilt and the feeling that I'm a terrible person and that it was all my fault.
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  • I had an abortion on November 17th 1998. It seems strange to think about how long ago it was, It seems like only yesterday. I have never really cried about it that's what scares me the most i think. I sometimes think I must be so heartless to care so little about what I did, but I guess I don't really believe I did it. I remember everything from that day. I remember having to be at the hospital at 7.30am and on the way there in the taxi the driver was smoking which made me feel so ill because I'd suffered terribly with morning/noon and night sickness. I remember having to get undressed and lay in bed on the ward for what must have been 5 hours. There were screens pulled around my bed so I couldn't see the other girls but you could hear them, on both sides of me all I could hear was girls crying I think that was the hardest part, I felt so low, I felt like all the doctors and nurses must really hate us for what we are doing. I remember when the time came for me to go into theatre I started to get really scared, a nurse came and took me, she never said a word to me which made me feel terrible. Then when I was taken inside the prep room to be put to sleep I cried so much, there was a lovely nurse in there who was really understanding and kept on trying to cheer me up, they gave me the injection and the next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room. I just wanted to go home straight away, I couldn't stand the place. I went to the chemist to get some painkillers and went home. I never spoke about it with my boyfriend, we just pretended like I was ill or something. The only time I really cry about it, is if Im drunk, I try to talk about it with my boyfriend sometimes but I get the feeling he isn't interested. He has said before that it upsets him, but I don't think it does, I can't help feeling like I want to go and tell everyone, but I haven't I couldn't Im so ashamed of what I did. Now all I want to do is get pregnant again, even though I know Im not really ready for a baby. I often feel very scared that Im going to be punished for what I did, everytime my boyfriend is late home, I start freaking out thinking he's been killed in a car crash or something, I feel like a mad woman but I can't help it, I feel like Im just waiting for the day for my punishment to come and it scares me to death. Im so selfish and i hate myself so much.
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  • It was two months after I graduated from high school. My boyfriend of a year and a half, and I were on vacation with his parents. We were told that we could sleep down stairs the last night of the vacation. We ended up having sex, twice. The following two weeks were fine, I was not even worried about being pregnant. My period was late, so I told my boyfriend, and we decided to give it a few days and then I would take the test. We went to the store and got the test, I took it and it immediately came back positive. I immediately began to cry.... I went into the other room, and my boyfriend didn't even have to ask... he knew! I cried all night that night... I was so scared and so confused. I thought of having an abortion that night...and told my boyfriend this... he told me we would think about the whole situation for a bit, before we made any decisions. I knew that I could no tell my parents, my mom is a very strict Catholic and I knew how she would feel....I would not have a choice if I told her. I started looking around for a place to go and have it done.... I found a place and told my boyfriend about it. I was supposed to go away to school in about a month and I did not know what else to do. We decided to have it. I got up that morning and he picked me up...and we drove the 45min ride ....we were supposed to be there at 11. We got there and we had to park the car in this locked garage guarded by a police officer. He asked us for ID and called up to the clinic to make sure we were supposed to be there. He searched the car and then we parked. We walked up the stairs where we met another police officer, we walked through a metal detector, we were also passing the door that faced the street and luckily there was only one protester out there, so it did not bother me so much. I had to wait in the waiting room with my boyfriend for a very long time. They finally called me in ....they put me in a room with about 5 other women and it was totally quiet. They called my name and brought me into the room. I can picture the room very vividly in my head. I met the doctor, who was very old and he was not very nice at all. During the procedure I felt everything....the sedative was not working. He kept yelling at me and shoving my legs open...I was crying through the entire procedure....I could feel the suction inside me. Afterwards they told me that they did not find enough tissue, and that I would have to go to the hospital in a week to have a blood test to make sure that I was not still pregnant. They brought me into the recovery room where there were lots of nurses and other women....they told me that I would not be there very long...I asked if my boyfriend could come and see me...but they wouldn't let him.... I sat there all alone crying my eyes out. I became very sick and they had to put an IV in me. I was in a lot of pain.... mostly emotionally but also physically. I was the last person to leave the clinic that day...I was in the recovery room for and hour and a half....and no one told my boyfriend what was up with me....he just sat there in the waiting room for almost two hours....seeing people who went in after me come out.... I finally left and we drove to the summer house we could be by ourselves. The car ride was very quiet.... my boyfriend was very upset. I got mad at him for being upset b/c he was not the one that had to go through it....but I realize now how hard it must have been for him.
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  • ABORTION #1: I was 22 years old and completely lost in life. I was extremely selfish at that time and cared only about my friends and meeting guys at bars and concerts. I had no direction in my life at all, unsure about what I want to do with my life. I went out one night with two guy friends from high school, we met for drinks somewhere, got very drunk and drove to another bar to drink some more. At that time in my life, everytime I was drunk, my goal is to meet a semi-good looking guy, flirt with him & make out with him, sex was included with some, with some it wasn't. I picked out the guy I was attracted to and started to talk with him, drink with him and smoke with him. At this time my guyfriends were talking with other girls, not paying attention to me. The guy I liked also had a friend that was sitting with us, they were both obviously making fun of my drunken state, but for some reason, I didn't care. It was bar time and my friends came to find me to go home, I asked the guys I was sitting with where they were going and somehow it ended up that they were going to drive me home, my friends didn't seem too worried about me and left. So, the three of us went outside and the guy I like ran into people he knew and decided to stay with them, so the friend was stuck with me. He said he would take me home, so I told him where I lived. During the car ride, I was talking to him non-stop about nothing of importance until we got to my house, where I made the mistake of saying I didn't want to go home yet. He asked, do you want to got to my place, I said yes. We had sex, unprotected and fell asleep. In the morning, sober, we had sex again, unprotected, this is the point where I knew I became pregnant, I think it was the first time I actually had sex sober and after realizing I was pregnant, I knew that that was the moment when it happened. He drove me home and told me he was engaged to be married and I never saw him or heard from him again, I don't even remember his name. Weeks later, I missed a period, took a pregnancy test, which was positive. Without even thinking about it, I immediately called an abortion clinic and made an appointment for a month later to have it. I had to save about $300 from my $5/hr job to do this. When I paid for it, the receptionist asked if I would like a twilight anesthesia during the procedure for another $80. I wanted it but couldn't afford it, she said, "good, go out and buy a new pair of shoes". ABORTION #2: I was 23 years old and finally had a real boyfriend who loved me and wanted to seriously be with me for a long time. We were sexually active from the very beginning of our relationship, our birth control was sometimes condoms, sometimes the pull out method, or sometimes nothing. As a result of the nothing, I got pregnant. We both knew that I was but for some reason did nothing about for 10 weeks! At that point, I had an abortion because he said that's what he wanted me to do. We had absolutely no money, I was living off my parents and unemployed, he was living in the ghetto working temp jobs, these were our reasons for aborting our child, among the obvious one of just being scared to be unmarried parents. Now, we are engaged to be married, both have successful, stable jobs making good money and have a home. I guess now a child would not seemed so other worldly, so scary. Now we would look at as a part of us not just a problem to solve.
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  • I met my Boyfriend *Glen* when I was 19. After 5 months of dating (3 months living together) I found out I was pregnant. He said there was no way we were having this baby because we didn't have proper jobs and no way of supporting it. Adoption was never an option as I couldn't see having this child grow inside of me and then have to give it to a total stranger no matter how good a parent they would have been. So We went together to the local hospital and I had an abortion. It really bothered him too the point where after the procedure was done he asked me nicely if we could never speak of it again as it upset him. Then a year later it happened again. But this time he had no job and I was on social assistance. Again we talked about it....Cried together, and decided once more I would have the abortion. While I was having it they told me they were having a hard time dong it because i was farther along than what we all thought. So this one was really painful. No amount of laughing gas was going to help. While he was doing it I couldn't help thinking was it to the point where I should not have been allowed to have one? The Dr. never did tell me how far along he thought I was just that it was over 8 weeks. I had all kinds of bad thoughts during the procedure. Like maybe if he showed me the baby I wouldn't ever want to do this again and that I needed to either stand up for myself and tell *Glen* I love you but I can do this alone. But that was just it, I couldn't raise a child alone at 20. We didn't want to bring children into this world to be raised on social assistance. I am not condemning anyone, just stating my preference. I told *Glen* what the Dr. said about me being further along than expected and told him I would NEVER do this again. So glen and I are still together after 7 years and we have a son. Not a day goes by that I don't think about them.When I do happen to mention it to glen he says 'don't talk about that it kills me inside'. I don't blame him at all or feel that he forced me to do anything because I know that he hurts as much as I do, maybe more because he is a guy and keeps alot in. At this point in my life my 2 year old takes up alot of time but both of my other pregnancies would have taken place in March so my babies would have just turned 7 and 6. I celebrate my due dates in my head and still to this day wonder what might have become of us all had I gone through with the pregnancies. I don't get a pretty picture in my head when I think of the life we would have had. I now don't regret either of my decisions, I just wish I never had to have gone through it at all. I am totally pro-choice. Why make a woman do something to her body that she doesn't feel is right? I don't agree with using it as a method of birth control but I like the saying goes 'There is always going to be an exception to the rule'
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  • Hi my name is noitroba and I have recently had an abortion. Today I would be twenty weeks which is about five months or so. I was in a very needy relationship with someone at the time I conceived. He was going through a lot and I was dealing with a family tragedy. I was also adapting to college and for the first time so far away from those who had always supported me and gave me strength when I ran out of my own. He and i had been in contact and decided that we wanted to be together. We had tried to be together before then but this tie we felt as though we needed each other. The day after thanksgiving while at home for break we had unprotected sex. I was weary of doing it and I thought about it. Then I realized how much he needed me. He and I decided that he would remain inside me for a few minutes and then we would put on a condom and continue. But he ejaculate din less tan ten minutes but he pulled out. I thought that nothing was wrong. I'll be honest that wasn't the first time i had done something like that. But before with my ex we used contraceptive foam. I really cared for him and I thought that he cared for me. I would do almost anything for him. I compromised everything I believed in to be there for him. One night I came down from school to see him. Missed class that Monday and gave him book money. I wanted to help him. He had listened to me and been there and held me and told me everything would be okay. My family was too busy with the family issues to comfort me. I had to be strong for them. He and I had previously discussed the possibility of pregnancy. He and I were intimate before this but we always used condoms. We had only had sex about three times. Once about three years ago then once about two years ago. He had always joked and said that the wanted me to have his baby. I recall one night when he rode me home on the train when he said that I was having his baby. I was upset I told him that I wasn't ready for children. Sometime I blame him for the pregnancy as if he had done it on purpose. But I know he didn't. He knew we were both emotionally unstable and unprepared to care for a child. Now sex scares me. I'm afraid that I will get pregnant. I have had sex two time since the abortion and I m always afraid even though we use condoms and I check them after each time. Scary. I think I'll just kill myself if it happens again. I couldn't go through this again and I guess that means I shouldn't have sex anymore. Through the whole ordeal I knew I had to have an abortion. I was angry though and in the back of my mind I knew I could have the child I was eighteen going on nineteen. I could have gone to community college and raise a child but the problem was he? He stopped calling me in December and his phone was shut off. I haven't even told him. The last time we spoke was mid December when I told him that I really thought I am? He said okay we�d talk about it. But I never spoke to him again. He never called me back and I called his friends off the hook and told them that I needed to get in touch with him. I found out for sure that I was pregnant on New Year�s Eve. What a time to find out. I went to his house that day and his little cousin said that he had moved. Then his friend told me he was in Florida trying to avoid some criminal charges. So here I was with a child ever growing with no father. So I decided that I couldn't allow my child to be another bastard. The day of the abortion was the longest day of my life. I had an appointment for 10:30 and I didn't have the procedure performed until 2:30 or 3:00. I had nothing to do but think. But luckily I was in such denial at the time that I didn�t think. I just sat and waited and spoke to other people. To my surprise there were women of all ages there. Some were married women, older women and of all races and ethnicities. I had always had a picture of Black and Latino girls my age and younger, but that's a myth. There are many women who have abortions. I never thought I would get one. I always believed in the right to get one though. And this experience has made that belief stronger. My partner had the ease of walking away. I had to face it. Shouldn�t I have the right to decide if he has the right to walk away? Any way, I wanted to tell my mother but it would break her heart. When I woke up from the anesthesia I was delusional. I didn't know where I was and why I was there I called about to my mother and then slowly it came back tome. I had had an abortion. When I left the clinic my sister and my friend went out to dinner. We didn't talk about it. We only bashed the father of the child and then we spoke about other things. A week later I went back to school. Then in March I got my HIV and other STD tests and results. that was something I had to worry about too. What if I had HIV then what? When I got negative results I was happy but sad that I had lost my baby and that I would never get to see her. Oh yeah I refer to the child as a feel. I think it would have been a girl. Probably sounds stupid. Now everyday I think about what she might look like in different stages of her life. Like what she would have looked like as a newborn, then an infant then a toddler. I can't imagine her full grown or even pass the age of four. Today like everyday I wonder about her and I think about the way things could have been different. I'm glad I had the abortion because I'm in school and having a child means giving your life to someone else. What I hope will happen soon is that I recover. I want to become a stronger person. I want to be able to stop depending on men to make me feel like I�m a person. I want to look to myself. I want to forgive myself and forgive him for treating me this way. I want to find the road to recovery if I am not already on it by writing this. So this is my story. Actually this is just the beginning of my story, it is just a synopsis. Today I want on hold her and smile. I want to rub my stomach and feel her kicking but I can't. I even want him to be here with me watching her smile.
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  • I'm 27 and a responsible person in nearly every aspect of my life. That's why this was all so shocking to me. I decided to have a one-night-stand with a man I barely know one night. I had had way too much to drink. Birth control never even entered my mind. I literally never even gave it a thought. It wasn't until we were lying there after the fact that he said, "I have a confession to make." As I lay there and listened to his words, my body was paralyzed with fear. How could I have been so irresponsible?? I spent the next two weeks not telling a soul about the weight that held my body to the ground. I was tired. My breasts were sore. AS the days drew closer and closer to the beginning of my period the weight added pounds each day. Then, on the day I was due to begin, I looked at my reflection in the mirror and started to cry. My breasts had grown considerably, and as a mother of 2 delightful boys, it was a sign I knew all too well. My worst fears were realized in that moment. I was pregnant. I finally summoned the courage to confess to my best friend. I was ready for lectures and "how could you be so stupid" but got nothing but love and support. She listened with compassionate ears and without judgement. We went round and round with it and I decided that I just couldn't raise another baby alone. I did not have the strength. With two preschool children and a full-time job it took every ounce of my soul to be the mother I wanted to be for the children I have. I love my children, and I already am stretched so thin, how could I consciously take on more. It was then I decided to go ahead with the abortion. I took all the necessary steps. I got the referral from my health care provider. I remember seeing the word "abortion" on the referral slip. The word looked so ugly. So unreal. On the day of my appointment, I tried to imagine I was just headed for a routine pap smear. Anything but allow myself to realize what was in store for me. I wanted to be strong. I felt as though I had gotten myself into this and I was not going to cry over it. After all, what would that help? The day was divided into 2 parts- the preop exam and the actual event. The morning was tough, but I was able to block it all out of my mind. A nurse offered to let me see the ultrasound picture and I thought she was out of her mind. She thought it would put my mind to ease that a lab's description of the picture would be cells to support a fetus not an actual fetus. The test concluded that I was 7 weeks along. Then I had to go back to the clinic in the afternoon. This time none of the women who had comforted me in the morning were there. I was in a room full of strangers in the most vulnerable position, legs straddled in stirrups, with some woman trying to chit chat with me. I was not prepared for what happened next. Suddenly my body began to shake and tremble with fear and sadness. All I could think about was the two boys I have given life to and the position I was in that very moment-denying life to a third. It seemed so violent to me. I could hear the syringe. Feel it sucking the life right out of me. It was the worst feeling of my life. A feeling I will never forget. I can push it away for now. I just wonder what affect this will have on me for the rest of my life. Did I do the right thing?
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  • I just had my abortion in October of 1999. I was 19 and 3 days away from starting school at the Art Institute of Fort Lauderdale. I couldn't even tell my mom. I just handed her the EPT stick and started crying. My boyfriend at the time and I had always decided that if I did get pregnant, that I would have an abortion. My best friend had had 2 abortions. Both of those facts never bothered me until it was my turn. But before I found out that I was pregnant, my boyfriend and I kind of drifted apart. I called him the night I found out and just basically said, " I'm pregnant and its yours but I don't need you to take me or give me the money, I can do it by myself." And do you know what he said? "How do you know its mine?" Those are the six words that would make any woman feel angry and alone, but most of all, worthless. I made my appointment and basically put the abortion thoughts out of my head. I knew I was pregnant, but never put the two thoughts together in my head. "I am pregnant and am going to have an abortion." The abortion pain started at about 9am when they packed my cervix full of "seaweed" and told me to go kill about 4 hours. The cramps were unbearable. I couldn't walk, I couldn't sit, and there was no place I could lay in a fetal position, except my house and I was dead set against going there for fear of getting there and not wanting to go back and face the music. My best friend had taken me and the whole time she was talking on her cell phone to her boyfriend who was my boyfriend's cousin, who kept asking and making sure that I was going to go through with it. You see, they're Jordanian, and he told me if I had the baby, he would fight me in court for custody and if he couldn't get it in court, he would just kidnap him. If I gave the child up for adoption, he would kill me. And I believed him. I can't really recall what happened or the sounds very well in the room. I just remember getting some Demerol and feeling extremely drunk within seconds and then blinding pain. I was so doped up, I was just screaming and begging them to take the clamps out. I just remember saying "Oh God oh God" over and over with the vacuum. And I felt the vacuum just sucking my insides. This is the first time I have really thought about it and relived the experience. I never got real depressed about it before. Maybe a little tear here or there, but now, I just sob uncontrollably and I feel like I would rather die that become pregnant now and be forced to have another abortion. I think what brought it on was that my new boyfriend bought me a puppy. I've never been this protective of an animal before in my life. And I've just noticed that for the month or so that I have had him, I've been really depressed and I don't know why.
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  • i was 14 years old when i had my abortion.. i was already screwed up from sexual assault most of my life. Sex was nothing new to me, so when my boyfriend asked me to have sex with him, i did.. i didn't think about birth control. i think somewhere deep inside i wanted to get pregnant, subconsciously, a reason to get away from my abusive home. My boyfriend used me for sex and we were long over by the time i found out i was pregnant.. i told a close friend first, before anything was sure, just a feeling. we planned how i could keep the baby, live at her house. I named her Dream. My Dream.. I didn't know how to talk to my parents about anything let alone this, so i blurted out one day, i think Im pregnant.. they set up a Doc app next day. i remember waiting in the room, the doc coming back and telling me. i cried. She told me to tell my folks, she brought them in from the waiting room.. i couldn't tell them, i was so scared and ashamed. When we got outside it was the opposite of what i thought it would be, Dad tried to be understanding, Mum lost it completely. They told me that i was 14 and immature and i would ruin the chills life, that i couldn't live at home and keep the baby. There was pressure coming from everywhere, support form nowhere. I loved my child and was determined to keep her.. but somehow, i agreed to do it. i dont even remember making that decision..but i screamed it at mum, O.K O.K I'll do what you want, and suddenly, they were all really nice to me, helping me.. for the week before and the day of, i didn't let myself feel anything.. when it was over the nurse gave me a shot, said it was because the baby had a +blood type and i was -.. it made it so real.. i never forgave myself for not giving my child a chance. I know at 14 i wouldn't have made a fit mother, but i could have adopted chosen something that wouldn't leave me with the guilt and shame that i have carried for the last 8 yrs. I miss my child, and i miss the child i was before i had to make such an adult choice.. I love you dream, please forgive that 14yr old girl who decided your fate. she was weak and at your expense. I'm so sorry little girls..

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