Stories from Women who've had abortions

Please remember as stated on the first page that these are the stories of many individual women, and are their personal views and feelings. Some have many different views, and different ideas about their experience. You may not agree with what they are feeling, or what they say. That's okay! The idea here is just to give women a chance to be heard about how they feel. If you've had an abortion, and need to talk about it right away, you can check out the I need to talk now! section
If you are interested in submitting your story, here's the link to Tell Your Story

• I was 17 when i became pregnant. i was with my boyfriend for only a few months but we where very in love.

• I had an abortion 17 June 1999, it was the worst decision i had to take in my life but i had no choice.

• I was 17 years old and a junior in high school. I had been with my boyfriend (now my fianc�e) for 6 months when I became pregnant.

• Well my abortion occurred when i was 18 yrs old, Nov 1996. I had just graduated high school in June when i met the father.

• I had my abortion 2 days ago. I have been browsing this site for quite sometime, since I found out I was pregnant and not until everything happened did I realize how effected I would be.

• The emotional pain of my abortion has gotten a little easier... a little. When I tested for pregnancy, I already knew in the back of my mind that I was.

• I'm 19 and had an abortion when I was 16 years old. Three years have gone by and I still can bring myself to overcome the pain and loneliness it leaves in my heart everyday.

• I am 22 years old...I grew up in an abusive home..My Step father would rape me and all age 8-17..

• More Stories

• I was 17 when i became pregnant. i was with my boyfriend for only a few months but we where very in love. when i found out i was pregnant i wanted nothing more then to keep my baby.my boyfriend was very supportive in any decision i would make, he told me to make the decision which is right for me. i was determined to keep this child. the next thing to do is to tell my mom. when i told her she did not accept me keeping my baby and told me i was to have an abortion. i was a scared 17 year old going into my senior year of high school and i was so confused. my mom told me i could not live at home with a baby and if i decided to keep the baby i would have to leave. i had no where else to go so i just went along with her wishes. July 10,1998 i went to get the abortion, my mom, boyfriend and my best friend all went with me. it was a day i will never forget. i felt the whole procedure and so many things went through my head. when it was all done i acted like nothing happened because i thought that is what you should do. it wasn't until about a month later that all the pain and guilt built inside of me and i had to let it out. i became very depressed and emotional and became very hateful toward my mom. i felt it was her fault that i was feeling this way and i hated her for that. i also started blaming my boyfriend. i don't know why i blamed him? maybe for not stopping me from doing it, i don't really know. we stayed together for about another year and broke up. i think i became so bitter towards him because of the abortion that i would purposely make things to fight about it was my way of hurting him. i still love him very much and regret hurting him. we are still friends and thats better then nothing. but the pain of the abortion has not faded. my baby would have been one this February. i still cry my self to sleep alot of nights. i still cry when i hear certain songs or see certain things on t.v. i don't know if the pain ever stops. i just feel so alone and like i have no one to talk to cause i don't like others seeing my vulnerable. i'm so glad i found this site cause i now feel like i have some means of support and i feel a little less alone.
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• I had an abortion 17 June 1999, it was the worst decision i had to take in my life but i had no choice. I already had a 2yr old & a 9 month old baby,2 wonderful boys. I wanted the baby at first in case it was a girl but i knew i wouldn't have enough money plus, i was already very tied up with work & small children. The father wouldn't agree either & it was an accident, nothing plan . I already care for the kids mostly by myself the only thing he paid and still pay is rent the rest, my responsibility. So where could i fit another, i would have no maternity leave income.(i had came gone back to work in feb). It was tough, i cried but i just had to do it for my sake and the two kids i already had. Why give birth to a child if you know you can't care for him/her the way you should and the way that baby deserve? After getting the information i went to a clinic & consult a nurse. It was done the next day. I always regret not asking the sex of the child (i was 19weeks) I always wonder what they did with the baby. i can't look at a baby the same way since then, thinking it could have been mine. Anyone has the same feeling i have? please let me know i don't know if it's normal. In November that baby would have been born, in that same month my first son, now 3yrs old was born. I have mix-feeling about November, i had my greatest joy and also my deepest regret in that same month. Sad and longing for a child unborn

  
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• I was 17 years old and a junior in high school. I had been with my boyfriend (now my fianc�e) for 6 months when I became pregnant. I had a gut feeling that something was wrong when I missed my cycle but I didn't go to the doctor. Well, one day out of the blue, my mother decided that I should start taking birth control pills. I went to the doctor on a Monday and took the pap and the doctor gave me the pills. Right before I walked out of the door to leave his office he said that the nurse had forgotten to give me a urine sample. Well, I couldn't go so I had to come back to the doctor the next day. Tuesday morning, my mother and boyfriend accompanied me to the doctor. My mom and I sat in the waiting room and the nurse walked in but said that she couldn't tell us anything. Well, we knew right then what my results were. I was 19 weeks. My mother really didn't say anything, she just took my hand and put her arm around my boyfriend and said that she would take care of this and sent us off to school. Around 1 p.m. that same day, my mother called me at school and told me that she had made an appointment for me and to make sure I get all of my work. There was very minimal conversation between her and I between Tuesday and Friday (the day of my abortion). My best friend offered for me to come live with her family. My boyfriend and I just tried to not talk about it. He did try to persuade my mother that we could take care of this baby. Well, Friday, May 24, 1996 at 10 a.m we(me, my mom, and boyfriend) went to the doctor's office. They told me that I wouldn't remember anything. I wanted my boyfriend to come in with me but they wouldn't let him. I think I hurt my mom's feelings when I asked for him in the recovery room instead of her. Since then I have had reoccurring nightmares, it is hard for me to see my godchild because her mother conceived the day of my abortion. I still cry alot, not as much as I used to though. Every now and then my fianc�e and I will talk about our child. I catch him crying sometimes when we leave from seeing our goddaughter or when we start talking about our future family, he always refers to our 1st child as our 2nd. To this day, I still haven't told my father what happened.

  
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• Well my abortion occurred when i was 18 yrs old, Nov 1996. I had just graduated high school in June when i met the father. WE were only seeing each other 5 months and conception occurred after a party one night in which we were intoxicated. I found out i was pregnant at a bathroom stall in the mall where i had bought a home test. Luckily i was with my best friend. I cried the whole way home and told the father who was supportive but thought it was best we didn't it have it. I struggled with keeping it or not, and at one point i had written my mother a letter telling her but ripped it up after my boyfriends sister called me and told me reasons not to have it. I was in such a confused state that i ended up going through with it. I dont remember the exact date in fact every piece of paper or anything was destroyed. I hadn't any real problems until this past year 1999. I broke up with the father turned 21 and started going out and having fun. But now i am in bad shape and in need of help. I cry and think about it now more then ever before. My best friend is now pregnant and Im happy for her but cant bear to talk about her pregnancy. I see other toddlers and wonder about my child. I even was seeing a guy that had a child and would offer to watch his child for him so i could play mommy. My mother doesn't know about this or my family. Its been a secret for all this time. Only my close friends and my best friends family who are like my family know about it. I feel very alone and if your reading this Im sure you have felt that way and one time too but your not. Thank you for reading my story. If it helps one person ill be happy.

  
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• I had my abortion 2 days ago. I have been browsing this site for quite sometime, since I found out I was pregnant and not until everything happened did I realize how effected I would be. I had been dating a guy for about 2 months and all of the sudden he realized he wasn't ready for a relationship. We were estranged for 2 weeks before he finally made contact with me and I drove (out of town) to spend the weekend with him in hopes that we would reconcile. We didn't reconcile, but we did conceive. Still today, despite the fact that we aren't together, there's no one else in this world I would want to have a child with, that is what made my decision so hard. I was only a week late when I took the test and it was 5 am in the morning only seconds after I received the results that I called the father. It was quite amazing actually. Usually he would never answer the phone while he was sleeping, but when I called he answered right away and knew exactly what I was going to say. He came down to talk with me that afternoon and we made our decision to abort. He has always been so stoic, but being an dedicated pro-life activist, our situation brought him to tears. Over the next several weeks we talked sparingly and I became really ill. My morning sickness was unbearable and my breast doubled in size in a matter of days. I mostly pleaded for his help and understanding over e-mails, but our crisis was interrupted by Mardi Gras so, a lot of things were put on the back burner. Finally we made the 4 hour trip to the clinic for my initial counseling. I wasn't allowed to see my ultrasound so, the denial held me up for the next several days until my appointment. I had always doubted my "X." I thought he would stand me up or something, but he didn't....he was just the opposite (wonderful). It was raining the morning we started our trip. I was plagued with the usual morning sickness. When I got to the clinic I was put into a waiting room with several other girls.... normal , nice girls just like me and for the first time I didn't feel alone. As our Valium started to kick in we each told our story and it made the world of difference. The nurse came in to tell me my "X" was waiting for me in the waiting room, I was for sure he wouldn't come inside, but again he surprised me. Finally, I was called to the exam room. The procedure took less than 5 minutes. It was very painful. I began to cling to the 2 crosses around my neck (mine and the father's)then I had to hold the nurse's hand. I thought it would never end and I didn't feel like I was doing as great as the doctor told me I was doing. Immediately, I was escorted to a recovery area with recliners and given cookies and herbal tea. For some reason we were all so hungry. Within 15 minutes I was discharged and I left. The father and I checked into a hotel and we slept for the next 6 hours. We later ate and then watched TV until I fell asleep again. The Valium made me extremely drowsy. In the morning we picked up doughnuts and headed back home, another 4 hour drive. We didn't talk much about the abortion. I haven't even told him that I sneaked a peak of the ultrasound when I had to sign my discharge papers in the chart. Finally, yesterday when we went our separate ways, he kissed me on my forehead and thanked me for getting him through this. So, today I mourn the loss of my baby and the man I love. I didn't think I would love the baby as much as I do. I don't know how I am going to cope or how long it will take for me to get better, but I know we did the right thing for us and I just hope God can forgive me for doing something that is so wrong. I pray He is taking care of my baby and I pray my baby knows how much I loved him/her and how much I wished things could have been different.
  
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• I'm 19 and had an abortion when I was 16 years old. Three years have gone by and I still can bring myself to overcome the pain and loneliness it leaves in my heart everyday. I was a Junior in High school and wanted someone to love me and want to be with me. I found out that later I was used for sex. I had known him for a few years and we shared the same circle of friends. We would flirt and what not and tease but never really thought it would go further than that. I don't really remember how I got to his house or how it ended up happening but before I knew it it was over and the first words out of my mouth were, "You didn't use a condom did you". He of course said no and I remember thinking right away I was pregnant. I could not think of anything thing else non stop for as long as is took to find out the truth. My period was late and I would pray to God every night that what I thought wasn't really true. I just assumed he knew I couldn't deal with it. I went to a local clinic and took a test and it was confirmed. Sitting there and hearing someone tell me I was pregnant is something that haunted me. Immediately I had the lady call a women's clinic and set up an appointment for the procedure. It's strange but that's the first thing I thought of doing because of my situation but the worst thing that's ever happened to me. The friend that helped conceived the child found out from by friend over the phone I believe because I was to scare to face him. The next day at school I knew he knew. We had a class together and everything and I saw him at lunch and so on. Like I said we had the same group of friends so he was always there. Anyway he ignored me for over a week and then finally one day he came up to me in the hall at school. I still feel to this day that if he would have shown some sign that he wanted to keep the baby I would have. But pretty much all he said was how much money do you need? So from then on I felt I had no support from him or my parents. I could never tell my parents I was pregnant at 16 No way! So one night I went to his house to get the money and he was actually nice to me. He told me he was sorry for what I had to go through. The one thing I'll remember is he rubbed my stomach and just held me. A few days later it was over and there began a life long journey of pain and regret. I had a close friend go with me and kept it a secret from my parents. after the fact the guy made jokes to his friends and when I would confront him he would tell me it was his way of dealing with the pain. Six months after my abortion I couldn't take it anymore and I had to tell my mother what I had done. So on the night of Christmas at about 11:00 O'clock at night I woke her up and told her. She was disappointed and told me she was sorry for what I had to go through but that she felt it was wrong. Three years later and my mom and I never speak of what I went through and that makes me sad because sometimes I really need her. The guy and I stayed in the circle of friends so he saw me go through my lows and was there when I asked for his shoulder to cry on. That was a couple years ago when he was like that. This past year I hardly see him. He lived with and was close friends with my now boyfriend of the last two years so I practically saw him everyday and we hardly spoke. I don't see much of him any more which sometimes makes it easier because when I see him It just reminds me more of my painful past. I saw him very recently and he asked how I have been and that was pretty much the extent of our conversation. Everyday I think about my baby and I wonder what she would have looked like, would she have been a daddy's girl. Would the guy and I have worked it all out and it wouldn't have been as bad as I had thought. I just want to say to my little girl," I love you and I can't began to explain how very sorry I am and how many times a day I think of you. I know what I did was wrong and I pay for my mistake everyday. I know you're in heaven and I hope you can forgive me. Please forgive me for my mistake and know that you are in my heart always and forever -I LOVE YOU-
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• I am 22 years old...I grew up in an abusive home..My Step father would rape me and all age 8-17..And then in 97 I had gave my life to the lord June 6,97.Then in October i had sex with aguy....and i had gotten pregnant.My Grandmother didn't like the guy one bit...She told me to stop seeing him and i wouldn't so she told him off and all..This guy ad i was going to get married and well..I found out iw as pregnant in December of 97.And well i told the guy..And well he Wanted me to have an abortion i would not..And well he kept pressuring me..Till one day i had over doses on pills and it had caused me to miscarry..I feel so bad about it now all ido is cry ...you can email me at
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• Name: Krissi
  
  Story:
  My abortion was 6 weeks ago. I got pregnant for a man I met on the internet. No, I am not a child, I am 30 years old. He told me he loved me... said all the right things. I moved 800 miles to be with him. He sent me for an abortion and then dumped me.... Here is my story:
  
  
  My Private Hell / The Metal Rake
  
  I can visualize the prongs of an instrument rake across the insides of my
  body - like hearing nails n a chalkboard, I cringe.
  
  Although a support team of 3 is in the room, I feel utterly alone. With my
  body strapped down, I cannot move. I look around the plain - wall room, I see
  tools and devices. I finally hear the doctor come into the room. I cannot see
  him through the tears in my eyes. I plead that I am changing my mind, please
  do not go through with it. I try to kick the person at my feet, to no avail.
  I cannot move.
  
  My insides feel as though they are being ripped apart, torn open. The drug
  administered is failing. I see, hear, and feel everything. I remember every
  horrid second.
  
  I yell that I am going to throw up, but Tracy, the nurse, warns me that
  nausea is a normal feeling at this point. She tries to divert my attention to
  the "cajun culture." This is no means normal. I expel everything that is
  inside of me.
  
  I hear Tracy yell.. "She's in shock!" as the other nurse scurries for towels
  and blankets. I hear instruments drop. The doctor is telling them to put wet
  towels on my head, but I am freezing. I feel as though I am wrapped like a
  mummy. My head, my throat is layered in wet towels.
  
  I strain to hear the doctor say that the procedure has to be repeated.
  Something is wrong.
  
  "NO!" I scream at the top of my lungs. While crying uncontrollably, I twist
  and turn and try to kick. Tracy is crying as well. The doctor asks her to
  leave and I beg him to let her stay. He abides.
  
  *CLICK* There goes the vacuum. A procedure that takes 5 minutes is taking
  17.. and taking it's time going by at that. I am in my own private hell.
  
  I am shouting a name that is not there. Tracy begs the doctor to go and get
  him out of the waiting room to help calm me down. They just do not
  understand... I am alone. No one is there.
  
  Once again I feel the metal rake inside of me. I am still in shock, covered
  in blankets and wet towels. I swear I hear a baby cry. One last scream and
  it is over. Tears are draining from my eyes like water from a faucet.
  
  The room falls silent except for teardrops that feel like raindrops. Tracy
  apologizes and the doctor asks her to leave the room and "take care of
  herself." I can tell she wants to stay in here with me. She, herself, is
  still crying.
  
  My throat is sore from the screams of horror. The doctor asks the rest of the
  nurses to leave. For the first time. I see him. He is a tall, black man,
  around 45-- 50 years old. I "eye" the blood stained lab coat. When he sees
  this, he removes it.
  
  Because I am the last patient, he pulls up a chair and sits besides me. I do
  not know what to expect. He takes off his gloves and holds my hand. I am
  trembling, half in shock.. half in fear.
  
  He tells me that I will be in recovery for a while. He explains that they had
  to perform the procedure twice. He tells me a reason, but I am not really
  listening. Tracy peeks in and says "No waiting.. No answer." I knew what that
  meant. He gently reminds me that I should not drive and no one is here to get
  me yet. I tell him that my ride will be here. I ask to use the phone and he
  says no. For me to lie down, Tracy has taken care of it. I laugh as he asks
  me if I know Tracy personally.I have only been in this town for a week. I
  have never met Tracy.
  
  I am exhausted, in pain, bleeding. He reads me like a book and is so full of
  compassion. Despite all, I was well, very well, taken care of. I had calmed
  down, but he said I was feverish, when I get home to sleep all day, not to
  push it too much.
  
  I didn't fall apart until his last statement. Before leaving the room, while
  holding my hand, he stood up and stated that he had been doing this for 20
  years. He looks down at me and changes my life forever as he says...
  "I know you did not want this abortion"
  
  I go ballistic....
  
  
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• Amy:
  I remember the day I found out like it was yesterday. I was late but I didn't really think I could be pregnant, not me. M y best friend kept telling me to take a test just to make sure, better safe than sorry. So, I took the test never thinking it would come up positive. AllI did that day was cry, I had no idea what to do. I am twenty two years old living in apartment and barely making it. What was Igoing to do? My boyfriend at the time was not working was not really doing much of anything but partying and going to class when he felt like it. I didn't want to tell him because he was leaving soon, he was transferring to another school for football. I didn't want to tell him and ruin the last couple weeks we had together. Besides, I really didn't know how he would react. Well, after alot of soul searching I finally told him. He told me he would support me in whatever decision I made. That lasted for about a day. Next, he wanted me to end the pregnancy because he wasn't going to be around, but by that time my mind was made up, I was going to have this baby. So, next step was to tell the family, I knew they wouldn't be happy but I never thought I'd get the reaction I did. The baby's father was black and I am white and my parents were not going to have me"disgrace" the family like that. They totally pushing an abortion on me. They had plenty of reasons which were all legit and the I spoke to them and him the more I became convinced that this was the best thing to do. So, I made the appointment and as that day got closer I kept telling myself that this was the right thing, but I never listened to my heart. That's where I made my mistake. I should have listened to MY heart. Now, two months later I still cry everyday. I've never felt so alone and empty before. I don't have any one to talk to because my family thinks I should be over it but I don't think I'll ever be. I thought I made the right decision, but what I did was make the worst decision of my life and there is nothing I can do to take it back or make it better. I live with the guilt, the hurt, theheart ache everyday and I do it alone. The father and I don't speak any more and I don't think we ever will again. We haven't even spoken since the abortion, and I think that makes things a little bit harder because I really needed him, this was his child too and he just walked away the only time I ever really needed him. I don't know, I'm glad I found this page because it has really helped me see that I am not as alone as I thought I was.
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• Name: Nanc
  Story:
  I had an abortion November 24, 1998. My story is different than any that I have read on here.
  
  I have been married for 20 years this November 17. My husband was transferred with his company to a town 100 miles from Phoenix where we lived. Our daughters were in high school and I didn't want to move them at that time of their lives. SO...he moved to the small town and I stayed in Phoenix. I was 36 years old at the time, and going thru a time in my life that I wondered who I was. We were married very young, and had three children right away. I was thinking there has to be more out there than "just" being a wife and mom. Well, I had a lot of free time and started living my teen years, 18 years late. I had an affair and became pregnant. I didn't know how to tell my kids and husband. I had been a housewife for all these years and didn't think I could do it on my own. I shared my pregnancy with my best friend, she tried to talk me into keeping the baby but I didn't see a way. So that day I called Planned Parenthood and set up an abortion, it was for a week and a half later.
  
  During that week and a half I lived thru pure hell. I would lay in bed and rub my stomach and cry for my baby. But I didn't see a way out other than abortion. I had never been a big drinker, but I decided the only way I could deal with this was to stay drunk for the next week.
  
  I was a nervous wreck when I walked into the clinic, I had no idea what to expect. There were about 10 other women in my "group". It was the most awful thing I have ever been thru. I felt like we were cattle going thru a cattle drive. We were called back one at time to have blood work done, then it was to the room with the recliners to see an abortion film, then we were called one at a time into the ultrasound room, I asked to see the ultrasound, I don't know if that was a good thing or not, I still can close my eyes and see it. After the ultrasound it was back to the waiting room to wait for the actual "procedure", it took just a short time, I still can hear the sound of the vacuum. Then to the recovery room, where we all sat back in the same recliners that we sat in to see the film. At that time I felt numb, I just wanted out of there, to get back in my own home.
  
  I went home, took my pain killers and went to bed. My girls came home from school and I told them I had a very bad kidney infection. This was all two days before Thanksgiving.
  My husband came home the next day for Thanksgiving along with my mother. He couldn't figure out why I hadn't shopped for Thanksgiving, that was so unlike me. The night before Thanksgiving we were rushing around looking for a turkey, and I was dying inside.
  I will never forget those days. I got thru it and thought the worse was over. Then the Christmas season was on us.
  
  I felt so much pain, stress and anxiety that I couldn't deal with it anymore. I went out one afternoon and started drinking, the more I drank the worse I felt. I came home that night and decided that I killed my baby, my own flesh and blood, and if I could kill my child I also didn't deserve to live. I took a lot of drugs on top of the drinking. I don't think I really wanted to die, I just didn't want to feel the hurt anymore. I could feel myself fading, I called my sister and asked her if God would forgive me, she could tell that something was very wrong. I told her that I had killed my baby and that I didn't deserve to live. She called 9-1-1 and headed to my house. I don't remember a lot after that. I do remember the fire department there and seeing my oldest daughters face as they wheeled me out. That is also a sight I will never forget, my oldest babies face looking scared to death.
  My husband arrived at the hospital a couple hours after I got there, the doctors told him and my sister that I would have been dead within an hour and a half. My husband kept asking my WHY? I couldn't tell him, I couldn't deal with the rejection and also cause him such pain. My sister INSISTED that I go to a psychiatric hospital, they would not release me unless I checked myself in. So I spent the next two days in a rehab unit with drunks, druggies and flat out CRAZY people!! I was scared to death. The doctors told me that I was still testing pregnant, I really freaked then, but the next day they said my hormone count was dropping so they felt it was just leftovers from my terminated pregnancy.
  
  Since that time, I have shared with my husband my abortion story. He was at first not very sympathetic, but now seems to be more so. Our marriage is very rocky at times, I try to stuff a lot of my feelings, tell myself to get over it, but I long to hold my baby.
  In July I should have delivered my baby, that was a very hard time for me. Now it's coming to the year anniversary of my babies death. And I am not sure how to handle it.
  I do know if I had to do it over again, I would have my baby. But, I didn't and I have to learn to deal with the pain. I wonder if it's different for women who already have children. They know the feeling of the love felt for their children, the feeling you only feel when they put that baby in your arms for the first time and you look at its little face. I'll never get to look at my little girls face but I know she's in heaven.

  
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• My boyfriend and I had been dating for about two months when i got pregnant. In a way I knew right away that I was pregnant, I just had a feeling. Then I started having terrible mood swings and a few weeks after those I got morning sickness for the first time. My boyfriend broke up with me on a Thursday (he said that he wanted to work on our friendship and then get back together) and the next day I took a test and found out I was pregnant. At first I just sat and freaked out and then I thought "this cant' be accurate" so I went and got another one at the store, two lines again. I cried for an hour so and then I called my ex to tell him the news. Pretty much all he said was "have an abortion because a kid will ruin my life". He didn't even call the following two weeks. I had always been prochoice but I could feel this life inside me and I thought of how cute his little cousins were, like littler versions of him and I wanted to keep my baby. But I'm only 18 and my family situation isn't the best. How could I raise a kid by myself? So on October 8, 1999 I had an abortion. In some ways I was lucky; there were no protesters outside, the clinic was nice and very clean, and all the nurses and women there were nice and we all talked. I had twilight sleep and within 30 seconds or so I must have passed out because I dont remember anything.But I'll never forget the way the nurse looked at the ultrasound, she looked at it just the way they did when my mom went in for my little sister's. That hurt and I couldn't bare to look at it Later the nurse woke me up afterwards I wasn't even bleeding so my sister took me to her house to recover for the weekend so my parents wouldn't know. It's almost a month later and my heart is breaking. I know it was a girl, I just know it was. I want my little girl back. I want to sleep forever and never wake up. And my ex...he had a new girlfriend before I even had the abortion. I feel more alone then I even thought was possible.

• I went to a clinic in Little Rock to have my abortion and I feel that I received good treatment. The receptionist, nurses, and the doctor were all very reassuring and kind. The procedure and the risks of it were honestly explained to me. I was given the choice between nitrous oxide and IV sedation and chose IV sedation. I was taken to a recovery room afterwards and the nurses paged my husband out of the waiting room when I woke up. I felt no pain during the whole time, but I did feel nauseated for about 30 minutes or so afterward.

  It has been 4 days since I had the abortion. I feel no physical or emotional pain. I think what helped me the most was the fact that I came to terms with the abortion ahead of time. Instead of thinking "I'll cross that bridge when I come to it", I faced my emotions before I had the procedure done. I know everyone is different and reacts to it differently, but doing this helped in my situation. The IV sedation helped, also. It was better for me emotionally to not remember any of the procedure.
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• Amy
  One year and three months ago today I had an abortion. I have never believed in abortion and still to this day regret what I have done. I thought that it was the only way out. I was already under alot of stress and felt that I just couldn't deal with another pregnancy and child. I have two sons and at the time I found out that I was pregnant again, my youngest was only 1 and a half. My husband is a full time student and I have been our sole provider for three years. We are getting a late start in our careers-I am 31 and he is 30. Our first son was an "accident" and even though he was not planned I NEVER considered an abortion. I wasn't pressured into my decision to about my baby but it took me a week or two to finally decide that it was what should be done. My husband stated that he would be supportive of any decision that I made and went through the whole ordeal with me. Although I felt relieved after I made the appointment, the next week or two I was in a daze. All I could think about was the baby in my belly. As I said, I have had two other pregnancies and even though I was only about 6 weeks along my belly was "pooching" out already. I talked to it and kept my had on my belly almost constantly. I apologized to my sweet little baby so many times before I had the procedure done. When we walked into the clinic I just couldn't believe how many women there were there. There must have been 20 or 30 waiting for their turn. I was scared to death and almost didn't go through with it. The staff at the clinic I went to were very considerate and professional. I had an ultrasound(a pre-requirement) to see how far along I was. The nurse let me see my baby-which just looked like a little bubble. Over and over she kept asking if I was ok and kept repeating that at any time during the visit I could just stop and go home. I was not "grilled" about why I was doing it and when she asked if I needed to talk before the procedure she was very attentive to my feelings. She didn't rush me-just let me talk until I was ready to go on with it. I didn't have "gas"anesthetic-but I did take a sedative before the procedure. I was awake and felt everything that happened. I didn't feel that my insides were being "ripped out". The moment it was over I did feel an overwhelming sense of guilt and emptiness. I feel this every day and feel that I have no one to share my feelings with. When I talk to my husband about the guilt and remorse I feel he tries to change the subject. That was a long time ago-why am I still dwelling on it? I think about what I have done every day. I know I would never do it again-regardless of the circumstances. I have dreams about my baby often. I can only hope that there was no pain for it and that if it did have a soul that it will forgive me for what I have done to it.
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• Renee
  I just had my abortion done(October 16, 1999). I am 18 years old and first found out I was pregnant September 3rd. My last menstrual period was August 3, which is probably what I miss most about being pregnant, not having to deal with my period! I figure the time of conception was August 17th, because that was the day I had unprotected sex with my EX-boyfriend. Unfortunately it also makes it ironic because that day he had stayed over at my house and I later found out a secret that broke us up hours later. The morning after our night together he had to go to work in NYC, about an hour and a half from where I live. Unfortunately(or maybe fortunately now that I think about it) he does not drive and missed all the trains to NYC from where I live. He decided to email his dad to get the number for his work, since he did not have it memorized. After emailing his dad he deleted all of the email in his inbox and shrank the window waiting for a reply. He then set out to find a cab to take him to the next nearest train station and after 3 attempts, someone finally answered with a reasonable offer. $20, 18 miles, limo service. Can't be that right? We said, "Goodbye" to one another and he promised to call during his lunch break. After he left I went back to the computer and noticed that his email account was still open and decided to snoop. Which, I know is wrong, but I was lucky I did. When he deleted all of his email he forgot one simple thing, to empty out the trash box and there is where I found the email----from his pregnant fianc�ee! I know that does not deal with my abortion story, but it is a huge part of why I got an abortion. Other reasons involved, having no support, loss of appetite(I was unable to eat much for 2 months and was losing weight!), resentment that it was his baby, and the list could go on and on. Now when I was younger, I used to have a totally different view on abortion. I used think that the only justifiable time to get an abortion was if you were raped. That is until I wound up in the situation and realized there are many more reasons why women get abortions, and they are for the utmost selfish reasons. The day I was supposed to get my period was the day I took two pregnancy tests(EPT and Fact Plus, both 99.9% accurate), I didn't think I was late---I knew that I was pregnant. I could feel it and unfortunately my gut feeling was right, both tests, positive. Not really the answer any woman wants when it is unplanned. I was freaked and told no one, in fear of being judged. I also later found out that they figure out your weeks by you LMP, so instead of the 2 weeks I thought I was, I was really 4 weeks. Which scared me even more. About a week later, one of my guy friends noticed I was upset and told me that he was worried about me, so I decided to tell him the truth. I originally hadn't told him because I feared the reaction I would get, but he promised to help me through everything. Telling him was the best decision I made, because he was always helping me, making me happy and distressing me everyway possible. He became(and still is) my best friend! I also got opinions from other people, but I didn't tell them directly that I was pregnant. Just the situation at hand. All responses were mixed, confusing my mind even more. Everyone had an opinion, but to me it seemed that no one could possibly know what I was going through, since that hadn't dealt with it themselves. There advice was only the thoughts that they had if they were in that situation. I did end up telling a couple people. The woman I babysat for, who was a pro for abortion. One of my best guy friends who said it was my decision. My best friend since 9th grade, who was pro-life and that was the end of the discussion. All things discussed between us were strictly her thoughts and not the true facts, which only got worse after she found out about my abortion. Let's get to the week of my abortion. I called around to a couple places, and the prices were a little steep for me. An average of $425 for general sedation---which I had to have! Though I settled for a small clinic that cost $365 and had twilight sedation. Originally I had set my appointment for October 22, giving me time to get money and making it accessible for my friend to go with me. If I had waited though, I would have been 11.3 weeks, which I feared would be worse upon myself. I called my ex-boyfriend in a panic and told him I needed his help and that it would be man of him to pay, considering how he ruined my life in the first place. He agreed to pay for some, but at first with strings attached! He originally tried getting me to pimp my friends to him, so he could satisfy his needs!(I did prewarn his fianc�ee, so this is no longer my problem if she gets hurt). He soon realized though, that I could be of no help that way and paid me. Only, my friend and I drove out there and my ex-boyfriend made me, alone, get out of the car and go to him. He was afraid someone would try something. I think, personally, he was just trying to flatter himself! As a payment he gave me a check for $170, which wasn't even half of what I had to pay! He was also acting paranoid, which I called him on, and him responded rudely with, "If you knew how much I was worth you would be paranoid too!". Now if that were true, don't you think he would be giving cash instead of a check? My friend and I left and went back to my house(this was Tuesday the 12th) he stayed over and left in the morning to get to his college classes and I went a friend of the family to learn the routine of taking care of her dogs for the next week and a half(starting this Tuesday, up until next Thursday). Since that day was my mom's birthday and the next day was her boyfriends, she decided to pay me half upfront so I would be able to buy gifts. The deal was, $100 now, $100 when she comes home. I saw this as a good investment in my dreaded procedure bill. The next night(Thursday) I thought of the idea of getting my abortion done ASAP. At first I opted for Friday, but realized that it would be more convenient on Saturday. So, I called and rescheduled. The told me not to drink of eat anything after 12, which wouldn't be difficult, since I had lost my appetite anyway. Friday night my friends and I went to the movies and saw American Beauty and all talked about our existent and not so existent sex lives. We all joked and laughed at each others expense. This of course cheered me up and made me feel a little better about what was about to happen the next morning. We said goodbye as my 2 friends(girlfriend/boyfriend) went back to their college and my guy friend and I went back to my house. There we set the alarm clock and went to sleep. My alarm clock of course, is one of those extremely loud annoying ones that you want to throw across the room as soon as it goes off! It woke us up for sure though. I decided it would be best if I took a shower before we left, so I did and 15 minutes later we were in the car on the way to the clinic. After missing a couple roads, we finally made it(they said to come in between 10am and noon). When we first arrived, it was not a pleasant site to see. We were welcomed by protestors shouting their beliefs and telling the ladies what they were doing was wrong. This really bothered me and gave me doubts in what I was doing. My friend called the clinic and asked if they had a back entrance we could use, and of course they happily agreed and cooperated. As we first walked in, the place looked small and almost unsanitary. Just a first observation, but my mind quickly changed. All of the staff were extremely friendly and helpful. All of the ladies awaiting for there operations were stuck in a small waiting room, with there ride homes. The had a tv in there with cheesey 80's movies on as if to try to cheer everyone up with it's stupid comedy. Waiting seemed to take forever! Plus, considering I was one of the last girls to sign in, I was furthermost in line. About an hour an a half after getting there I was finally called into the back room. This is where they gave me my first ultrasound and I saw my baby. It was a little freaky, but I was ok, and still agreed that what I was doing was right. The question of, "Are you sure this is what you want" was very repetitive with the staff members and asking. After the ultrasound I was ushered for a urine sample, which unfortunately I could not produce alone, so they had me drink tons of water. While waiting for the water to settle, my blood pressure, temperature and blood was taken. My poor middle figure was pricked for blood with a needle, and bandaged with a bright yellow bandaid(my favorite color). After that, I went back to the bathroom and was finally able to produce my urine sample. I then went back to the waiting room, where my friend gave to a huge hug and told me how worried he was. I told him that nothing went wrong, I just couldn't pee on command. He laughed and I smiled and we went back to reading magazines. Ironically enough the magazine I pick up to read is People, and the cover story is, babies having babies. After a couple minutes of reading the magazine I was called back again, for the payment of the surgery. So of course I had to call back my guy friend, who was a sweetheart and put it on his credit card. Afterwards, we were told to go back to the waiting room and the would call me back shortly. Though, we must have a difference in time, because that shortly took forever and I complained the whole time that I was hungry and of course, bored! Not too much longer though and I was called back. I went, by myself. A young nurses aid came in and told me that I was to remove everything from the waist down and wrap a paper sheet over my legs and the doctor would be in shortly. I couldn't decided if I wanted to wear my friends sweater or not, but I ended up doing so, because it made me feel comfortable. I sat on the examine table with the cloth over the lower half of my body and waited, more so impatiently for the doctor to come in. My doctor was a man, which at first bothered me, but I easily got over it and a female nurse came in. At first I laughed and made a comment about feeling really exposed and then of course, I asked the most important question on my mind how fast would the sedative work??---their response as they were injecting it in my arm was, you tell us, try counting backwards from 100. Didn't work, I was in total lala land within mere seconds, mentally at least. In reality, it kept me from looking at what was going on. Which is good. I did feel the pain though and I wanted to cry because it hurt so bad, but before I knew it, it was over. The doctor asked me if I was ok and then left and the nurse's aid came in and helped me get clothed. Though, I ended up getting sick from the sedation and dry heaved for a couple minutes. Then was sent, with 3 other women, to recovery. Which was a small room with some chairs and a couch, but it was nice and comfortable to be in. They gave us our medication, Doxycyline and told us the do's and don'ts for the next 2 weeks. We also were sent home with Birth control pills(which was great for me). I immediately had my appetite back and so my friend and I decided to go to the Olive Garden, before we got there though, I got sick yet again, and threw up water. But then of course, after everytime you throw up, you feel perfectly fine afterwards. We went for food and then I called the lady I used to babysit for and stayed the night at her house. Yesterday was Sunday and I first started taking my pills. The only thing that is bothering me is the cramping, I haven't really bled that much, which is good and also in a way annoying----considering I have to wear pads, which I hate, and I had to go out and buy some. So I would at least like to see them get some use. Everything is ok though. I did get into a fight with my friend before who is pro-life, because I decided to tell her. She told me that what I did was wrong and that she thought more of me. That I ran away from my problems and that she is only looking out for my best interests. Also that having a baby would have taught me respect and responsibility: physically, emotionally, financially, and economically. We fought about this and both made each other cry, but came to the conclusion to just not talk about it. That conversation actually took place only a few hours ago. I know that this is very long, but this is my story. Right now I am trying to deal with the emotions of, did i do the right thing or not? I did.
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• Nancy
  It has been only 6 days since I have had my abortion, and i feel worse emotionally then i thought i would. It was a relief in a way to be rid of the physical symptoms; the breast swelling and terrible morning sickness which lasted all day, and the fatigue, but I am now feeling very depressed, guilty and alot of anxiety about what i have done. I am 41 yrs old, have a 16 yr old son and was married to my husband for 17 yrs. We broke up for 1 year and got a divorce, and this past November got back together and got re-married. Since then, things have not been going well. He is a total workaholic devoted only to his job and does not spend much time at all with me or our son. He is emotionally abusive alot of the time and I feel he does not respect me, etc. All this taken into consideration, I could just not see bringing another innocent child into this, as our son has had his share of problems dealing with our on and off again relationship. We have used the withdrawal method for at least 10 or 11 years with no problems, but this time, it didn't work for some reason. I was only 4 days late with my period, but since i am always on time, i took a pregnancy test and nearly died when it was positive. I still can't really believe this has all happened now that it is over. I told my husband i was pregnant and was very upset and crying, and he said, well, do what makes you happy. How could either of the choices make me happy? He was very distant from me and we did not discuss it again. I told him i had seen the doctor, had the blood tests, and scheduled the procedure. He said to let him know when it was so he could take me to the hospital, what a guy. I was miserable for a few weeks, and i was 7 wks. when it was done. He took me to the hospital and i was a nervous wreck..I cried in the waiting room and as they were putting in the IV, etc. They gave me medication to relax and then wheeled me into the OR. I had general anesthesia so i dont remember anything. I woke up, stayed there for a half hour and was able to go home. My husband dropped me off at home and went back to work, and there i was. I had no bleeding or cramping for the first three days but then for the next 2 days, i was bleeding, terrible cramps, and soreness all thru my body. I feel like this was my punishment for what i did and i deserved it. My husband and I have still never talked about it, and he seems very distant and angry at me, which only makes me feel worse. I know it was the right decision for me and the baby, but i still have terrible depression and anxiety and cant sleep at nites, and dont know if it will get any better. I feel that if i would have had a kind and caring husband, and a great relationship things would have turned out different. I am going to see if there is a support group in my area cos i really think i need some counseling. Thanks for listening.
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• Name: Kim
  Story:
  My story starts in June 1997. I had been sick with bronchitis and was given antibiotics for it. NOBODY asked me if I was on the pill, not the doctor, any of the nurses and not even the pharmacist. Nowhere in the info about the meds did it say anything about it's effect on birth control pills, so you can imagine my surprise when on Aug 18 1997 I found out that I was pregnant. My boyfriend had just asked me to marry him 4 days before this, so I wasn't too worried. When I told him he was as stunned as I was. We talked about it and I was shocked and very upset when he mentioned abortion. I said NO. He was worried about what our parents would say since we hadn't even announced our engagement to them yet. (Mind you we are 24 & 23)Then he worried about money and how he would have to get a 2nd job and how I would never see him and neither would the baby and he didn't want to bring a child into the world that we couldn't give everything to. I still fought him tooth and nail I wanted to have this baby and it finally sunk in that he didn't. I was almost at the point where I was about to break up with him and have the baby on my own, but then I thought that maybe he was right, maybe it was the right decision at that point in our lives. I still didn't want to go along with it but I did. He made the appointment I couldn't. The morning of my appointment, we got up showered and left his house at 7am. When we got there and sat down in the waiting room is when he turned into another person, someone that I did not know. I got upset and started crying, he turned around to me and said, "why are you crying? No one else here is crying." I wanted to get up and leave but I didn't. When they called me in I somehow managed to keep myself composed. The next thing I know I am laying on the table, and they are putting the I.V. in my arm for the anesthetic. Thats when I started crying, the nurse came over to hold my hand and tell me it would be ok. I opened my mouth to say No stop I don't want this I want to leave I want my baby. But when I opened my mouth nothing came out, the anesthetic had started working and the next thing I know I was waking up in anither room and it was over. The next few weeks were sheer hell. I was always crying and my boyfriend would tell me to "get over it that it was done and over with". Needless to say I was an emotional disaster. I constantly would torture myself about it and held back a lot of anger toward my BF for pushing me into it. We broke up a year after, and I have since grieved for my baby and started down th epath to healing. The pain is still there, but thanks to Jilly and this site as well as a few others I have learned how to cope better.
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• I am 34 years old and I have my only pregnancy and only abortion 6 months ago. I am married to a wonderful man who never wanted children, I was happy to live with that. It was discussed at length for many years and we felt we had made a decision that suited our lives. Then in April I found out I was pregnant. Everything came crashing down around my ears. I was scared and my husband was not very happy, that doesn't mean he browbeat me into deciding to abort, but in every discussion it was said that it was my choice, but his choice was abortion. My good friend (who recently gave birth) warned me that she had doubts as to whether or not I could handle an abortion she feared that I was too sensitive emotionally and would find the repercussions hard (she had an abortion years ago with no ill-effects). Oh my God she was right. The last six months have been hell, I find it hard to sleep, my dreams are vividly horrifying and the guilt is destroying me. In all this I am so torn, I know I am not a horrible person, for the most part I am a loving and giving soul, so the death, by my own hands of my child is so totally foreign to me that I have no means in which to cope. My marriage is not as strong as I once thought it to be, I have almost left him several times, and he is devastated by the fact that I am having such a hard time with this, between his guilt and mine, we're a pretty sappy couple. Nonetheless we are a couple and we are trying very hard to get through this without losing each other. My husband had a vasectomy the week after the abortion, and he says he regrets this, we made so many life-altering choices in such a short time my head is still spinning. I know we thought about what we were doing, but I don't think we understood what we were doing. I think child, they say cells, I think death, they say procedure. My husband has mentioned getting a reversal from the vasectomy, but I feel that I gave up every right to motherhood that sunny awful day in May. I am trying to get by day to day, but it is not easy. I sit here and cry and grieve for a life I didn't know. I still and will always believe that abortion should be a choice, but the choices you make, good and bad, right and wrong will stay with you and you have to learn to understand yourself in order to live with those choices. I chose wrong and I am so very sorry. I can't believe I broke my own heart. Thank you for this site, for the longest time I felt so lonely, but now I know that this grief is real and powerful and understood.
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• My reason for having an abortion wasn't really my own, so to speak. To tell the truth I love babies and had wished for one of my own for a long time. It's actually the circumstances of my life at the time that determined my getting rid of my baby. I'm only 18 years old, and I just finished high school a few months ago. My boyfriend and I had been together for 3 years in a very intense on again, off again relationship. We love each other very much, it's just that we never seemed to be able to maintain a steady union. Anyway, at the time of my pregnancy, we were off again. We'd gotten together to talk about the status of our relationship, where our lives were headed, where we wanted to be in the future etc, and somewhere along the line, lust intervened and we ended up having sex. I guess that's when I conceived. Remember we were still broken up. My parents are extremely ambitious, goal-oriented people who always push their children for the best. Their ultimate dream was to put me and my two siblings through university. A baby did not belong in their plans. As the eldest, I had to set a good example and be the first to fulfil their dream. We were preparing to migrate to Canada from the Caribbean so that I could go to school there. And here was when I realized I was pregnant. I didn't know what to do. My last weeks before I left home were horrible. I didn't have the guts to stand up to my parents and tell them about my pregnancy; I didn't think I could deal with their disappointment and the shame of being seen as having "fallen from grace". Teenaged pregnancies are not uncommon anywhere in the world, and I guess deep down I didn't want to be a statistic. My now ex-boyfriend had long ago made it clear to me that he wasn't ready to be a father, and I knew it wasn't fair to him either since he and I are the same age, and he has his whole life ahead of him too. We'd had a pregnancy scare before and when I told that I thought I was pregnant, he let me know of his immaturity by refusing to take responsibility for his child with six words:"how do I even know it's mine?" After that I went on birth control, and only stopped when we broke up, hence my present situation. I had nobody to turn to, and I could tell noone, because the last thing I needed was somebody to condemn me for a mistake I'd made. I decided to take what I've come to think of now as a coward's exit. I should have taken responsibility for my actions and carried my child. Instead I decided to have an abortion. I had zero dollars except for my savings, which turned out to be the exact cost of the abortion, My baby's life was priceless, and yet I paid $400 for its abortion. I had the abortion the same day that I left for Canada. The doctor and his assistant were like monsters to me. I was given no anesthesia. Before performing the operation, they made sure I paid them. And then they proceeded to tear my baby out of me through the suction method. God how I screamed. It took only 5 minutes but it was the most painful moments of my life, both physically and emotionally. I don't know what hurt more. At the end of it all they left me alone, on the table, crying my eyes out over what I'd allowed to happen to me and my baby. painkillers and antibiotics were all I got to feel better. I've told noone until today. Pregnant women make me jealous. I think of the baby I could have had every day. But I'm supposed to go on with my life. I've made my parents proud; I now go to the best university in the state. I wish I could be proud of myself, but I can't. I have this gaping hole inside of me that may only close when and if I have another baby. I only hope God can forgive me for what I've done.

• Name: Tracie
  Story: I am a 22 year old college student and I have been dating my boyfriend for 15 months (which is the longest I have ever dated anyone). Around March of this year, I began to feel "car sick" and seemed like it was only around my boyfriend. I began to think that it was him that was making me sick. But then I finally realized that my period was late. I had never been one to keep track of my period, so I had no idea of when my last cycle was. I decided to go get a test done at the doctor's office, after all, it was free. I remember the day soooo clearly. My boyfriend came to my dorm and picked me up. We then proceeded to the doctor's office and I took the test. He then took me out to lunch as we discussed our options if I was pregnant. We went back to my dorm and made "the phone call" to the lab at the doctor's office. That was when I found out the news. I was PREGNANT! I was sooo hurt and scared. All I could think about was what my parents would say. My boyfriend couldn't believe it! He said I was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. He began to rub my tummy and hold me as I was crying my eyes out. I went over to my best friend's house and told her the news. She knew what I was going to do about this and I knew what I was going to do about it. I made an appointment with the OB/GYN to make sure everything was ok with me physically. My boyfriend and I both went there and the doctor gave me a ultrasound. We saw our child for the first time. We saw its little heart beating. I was soo upset after that. But I knew that I could not care for this child. Finishing school was more important at that time. We had the procedure done a week later and cried the whole time. My boyfriend was there to support me. It is Oct. now the month of the due date. I have been so sad and depressed. I have even tried to recreate my first child but I was unsuccessful. I feel like if I had another one it will fill the void in my life. I will never know if it will or not. I feel like my boyfriend is not affected by the abortion and I have given him a lot of grief. We have been fighting constantly. I don't know if I will ever tell hime that I tried to get pregnant again. Maybe one day.

• I was 15 years old when I found out I was pregnant and it was not the greatest thing for me at all. I have my whole life ahead of me and I couldn't have a baby with someone I am no longer with now. What would have happened if I did have it? where would we be now? My boyfriend at the time said he didn't want to go to hell or have anything bad happen to him. He didn't understand that if we brought a baby into the world we would have never finished getting our educations and the baby wouldn't have had the best possible life I could give it. I felt so alone I couldn't talk to anyone I was going to take a taxi and just get it all over with, but I had no money. So my boyfriend tried to just pretend I wasn't even pregnant. Finally one day we got into a fight and he told me if I didn't kill it he would. I couldn't and still can't believe that someone who said they loved me would ever threaten me. But he did he sent me home crying that day. Leaving me feeling more alone than I have evr felt at this point I had to tell my mom so I did and she made all the arrangements. I felt so wrong not having my boyfriend there but I didn't want to have anything to do with him. I went with my mother and got it done. I felt like I had been to hell and back that day. I felt like I had killed something that I had no right to do that to. Something I was supposed to love. I still feel alone and I have the worst pain in my heart. My boyfriend and I did get back together but nothing can ever bring back the love that we had before any of these things happened. Even after I got the abortion done he would say he would walk me home and only put me down. I felt like I should have just died with that baby that I deserved to. I still feel most of those felling. I am trying to improve me self but I just can't I see him everyday and I see someone that made a bad experience worse and at the time I needed him the most not only did he turn his back on me and made everyone else turn there back on me. Nothing is worse than crying by yourself when you know someone should be there to support you and tell you you'll be ok not even my mom did that. That's my story, I will admit that I feel better for what I did and I know that I learned something from this experience but till this day I have it thrown in my face and I hate it. My nightmares will probably never go away not untilone day I feel not alone and the one thig that everyone needs to fell from someone LOVE.

• Name: May
  Story: I was Senior class president, co-captain of the Cheerleading squad, National Honor Society member, and Miss Homecoming Queen. All I could think about was this can't be happening to me. My life is too perfect right now for me to have a baby, not to mention I was only 17 years old. I was overly concerned with how things would look than looking at the situation as a blessing. I still think back to that day, April 25, 1998, and wonder why I didn't have the courage to run out of that doctor's office and in to the arms of my boyfriend. He told me the choice was mine, but I was scared. I wanted guidance and there was none. I didn't have anyone else to talk to. Definitely not my parents, they thought I was an angel. Now, I know that they would have helped me, but it's too late. My baby is gone and I have no one to blame, but my self. I feel that I made a selfish decision. Now, I'm in my 2nd year of college trying hard to make it to the next day. How dare I continue to live my life, when I took that life from my baby?

• I was 18 and i had an abortion. ait was the worst day of my life. I remember the whole day as if it was yesterday.I remember feeling so called "relieved". But now 5 years later i dont feel that feeling anymore.I have been through counseling an 8 week process, and it helped but i need support still. I haven't got over it yet.I am now married and have 2 beautiful daughters.On the day of the abortion I was sitting in the chair waiting for them to call my name, which seemed like forever.They gave me a 4 minute counseling before the actual procedure. I felt like a number. I was put to sleep but before that i heard noises. i heard a procedure being done before me. That noise haunts me all the time. I finally woke up. I remember crying as though i have been crying for along time, I just couldn't stop.I got that feeling, Oh good its over. My boyfriend was waiting for me in the waiting room. He looked at me and smirked. We left and never talked about it ever.We ended up breaking up and not speaking. I felt this emptiness inside of me.My heart was aching real bad.I've been through counseling but didn't work with it. Must of been the person counseling me. I wanted a baby soooo baby, every where i looked i seen babies. I just had to have a baby. 2 Years later I found out I was pregnant,(with my husbands child)I was not married, but it was there in the future.My daughter was born.I thought that emptiness would be filled. But it was still there.I loved my new baby so much but knew I would still be wanting to fill that emptiness.I would always think of my ex-boyfriend,he was always on my mind.I didn't think it was appropriate to contact him being married and all. But he also has a special place in my heart. He is the father of my first baby and it take 2 to make a decision.I Just want to be able to forgive myself and him for what we did.I'm not sure what to do but I hope being able to talk with others with the same experience will help. It is a start and Im gonna make this work. I just hope it doesn't cost my marriage. VLH

• I am a 25 year old wife and mother of a 3 year old and a one year child. I found out that I was pregnant this spring and was devastated because I just recover from two difficult deliveries and was not sure what to do. My husband wanted more children but I had my hands full with my other children and was not planning on having any more after them. I was so confused and scared being married and having alot of children is the America dream but I am still very young and had both of my children in college and never finish. I want to go back to school and get a better job. I am not a selfish person and this was the hardest decision I had to make. My husband totally disagree to the abortion and want me to keep the child and to make things worse my best friend was also pregnant with her third child in the same situation as me(but very happy) I did not know what to do about the baby I was carrying. So I decide to have the abortion without my husband support. The morning of the abortion I was so sick on my stomach I thought I was going to vomit but I knew it was for the best and still have thought of my unborn child everyday and sometime I wonder what the child could have been. Sometime I cry and feel guilty but I hope that one day God will forgive me.

• Name: Cassie
  Story: Well, I've been coming to this site for about 2 weeks now, and I guess it's finally time I tell "my story." My name is Cassie, and "my story" goes like this: I'll call this Act I: On December 31, 1991, I got pregnant. I was only 16 and the father 20. I told him I would not have an abortion. My mother had 5 ectopic pregnancies and almost died from 2 of them. My sister is adopted, so I know how an unplanned pregnancy can bring joy to others--it brought immense joy to my family. So, on September 25, 1992, I gave birth to my daughter; I was only 17. Two days later she went to live with her new parents & brother. Since then I have continued to receive pictures of her and I have seen her twice. It's a wonderful relationship. During my pregnancy I grew very close to my parents. My mother became my best friend; before the pregnancy we hardly talked at all. Act II: I January 1996, during my junior year in college, I met the most intelligent guy I've ever known--a major pot head he was, but oh how smart! Well, in April I found out I was pregnant again. What to do this time? I knew I would never marry my boyfriend. I didn't want him to be a dad to my child--he smoked too much pot, did too many other drugs! I wanted to give the baby up for adoption. He finally agreed with me (his first choice, of course, was for me to have an abortion). I asked my daughter's adoptive parents if they wanted to adopt the baby. They wrote back and said they couldn't. They felt that another child would take away from the attention their other 2 needed. They felt they couldn't be the best parents they could be if they adopted a 3rd. So, I went to an adoption agency and chose another couple. On December 17, 1996, I gave birth to my 2nd daughter! For weeks leading up to the delivery I contemplated very seriously changing my mind and keeping the baby. I told this to my mother the night I went into labor. When my water broke, I knew that God had something else in store for my baby. So, on December 19 she went to be with her new parents. During this pregnancy I grew very close to God. I was "saved," & I had never been happier. Act II: This "Act" begins in March 1998. I started hanging out with some new friends, got a new boyfriend (who was adopted!)--and I discovered ecstasy (the drug). We did so much--I fell in love with my boyfriend--I got depressed--we broke up in July, just 4 months after we fell in love--I stayed depressed for about 8 months. In August there was no more X. So, life went on--"depressingly." In March 1999 the X came back! My ex and I started seeing each other again--for about 3 weeks. After he broke my heart again, all hell went loose. If I could find drugs, I would do them--anything. In April I started sleeping with an old friend of my ex's. In June I started doing crystal meth. In July, after staying up for 4 days in a row & snorting meth everyday for a week, I found out I was pregnant--(the baby was my ex's friend's). So, what to do? (again). Immediately I knew I couldn't have the baby--not because of the drugs, but because "What would people think of me?" How selfish. But it's all I could do. I wasn't 100% sure that i wasn't going to have the baby though, so I saw my OB-GYN as an OB patient. I went for an ultrasound and told him I wanted a picture. But 2 weeks later there I was at the abortion clinic. The baby's father drove me--that's about it though. I had to pay, and he wasn't there for me from then on. At the clinic I had hoped I would change my mind. I kept looking at the pictures of my daughters & my sister. I thought about my ex who was adopted & thought "what if his birthmother had made this choice?" But nothing made me change my mind. I believed what I was doing was wrong, but I did it anyway. My 3rd pregnancy, my 3rd child, saved me in every way I could be saved. I have grown closer to the Lord (again), I haven't touched drugs or alcohol in 2 months--even quit smoking. I've had to let go of the regret & guilt. But I don't think the sadness will ever go away for good. So, here I am today--I'm better than I've ever been, but look at the price I paid to get here. I think of my baby every day, and I wish so much that I would've had the strength to give him life. Last week at an NA meeting a man commented on the saying "If I only knew then what I know now." He said "We knew it, but we had to go through it." Nothing ever rang more true for me than what he said. So now I'm pondering the question "Am I pro-life or pro-choice?" I like to think that I'm pro-life. I'm glad that I had the right to choose. But I think the right choice, ultimately, is life. I think my child could've touched the world in an awesome way, as all children do. But I didn't let him have that chance.

• I'm 18 years old and had an abortion almost 2 months ago. It's a sad story everyone says. The father was my first real boyfriend, the one I lost my virginity to and vice versa. We were a cute couple who was so unaware of the consequences of irresponsibility. We had unprotected sex on and off because we were naive and thought bad things would never happen. When it did, we cried together and worked our ways through the mess. Maybe me more so than him. People that know me know why I had an abortion but for those who wonder there is an answer. I'm 18 years old and may legally be an adult but honestly still feel like a kid. I believe in second chances and don't believe that because I was stupid and had unprotected sex that I should be punished forever. I'm catholic and I believe in God. I know that God gave me that baby to teach me a lesson. He may not like what I did but I know he forgives me. The abortion hurt me in a way I can't explain. I don't regret what I did but I am upset about it. I think what upsets me is that I created the situation without knowing it. I could have prevented what happened very easily. When the abortion was over I cried out of relief. In the 3 weeks until the checkup exam I worried that baby was still inside of me. I didn't want it. When checkup exam was normal I cried out of happiness and hugged the doctor. It wasn't until I got home that I satd down and thought about what it was that I did. I cried and cried and wrote a letter to that baby apologizing for what I did. Not because I wanted it back but because I wanted it to understand. Not a day passes when I don't think about it all. I wake up with pain and fall asleep with it too. I don't regret it because I am young and want to go to college and get a good job. I knew the father would never have been there for not only me but also that baby. I knew my choice was right for everyone indirectly involved in it all. I never told my parents because they would have killed me. They would have been ashamed of me and that was what I feared most. That guy is not my boyfriend anymore and doesn't understand what happened. he thought I would have an abortion and everything would be normal. I'm not who I was before it all happened. I am a hell of alot smarter and confident. This was the first adult problem I had to solve by myself and I did it. I did it with dignity and have learned alot. I hope that my story gives strength to a young woman out there just like myself to find the answer to her problem, whatever it may be. I am pro-choice and damn proud of it. There's nothing to be ashamed of. Bad things happen to good people and it only makes you stronger. I hope that one day when I find a guy who truly loves me that I will get a second chance at all this. I hope that one day I can have kids when the time is right. But no matter what, I will never forget this baby for it will always be my first. And how said it is to think that I am one of the only ones who will know that. I just want all women who have been there to know that you're not alone. I hope this helps someone.

• Name: zoey
  Story: In January of 1996, I was going into the second half of my 3rd year of college. I was 20 years old, and feeling on top of the world. Over winter break, I had traveled for a week and a half with two of my best friends. We felt so independent and free. We had no plans; just went where the moment took us. When the trip was over, we said goodbye for the remaining week of winter break. A week later, first night back in the dorms, I got a phone call from someone I had dated several months before. Since my car was broken down, he offered me a ride to 7-11 for a pack of cigarettes. That's all I thought we were doing. I won't go into details because this is a whole separate issue, but I was acquaintance raped that night. Three weeks later, I found out that I was pregnant with the rapist's child. I was pro-choice at the time, but being raised in a strict catholic home, I decided I wanted to have the baby. For two weeks, I lived in a dream state, ignoring the rape, and concentrating on being happy (something I know now that I would not have been able to maintain). I read name books, looked at baby clothes, thought about god-parents, etc. Finally, two weeks later I got the courage to tell my parents. To my surprise, they wanted me to have an abortion. After I thought about all the responsibility I would face, I agreed with them. I think I knew all along that I couldn't possibly raise a child while grieving my own lost childhood and the part of me that the rape had taken away. I would have either been an awful mother or extremely unhappy myself. I went to a clinic with my father. People threw rosary beads at us as we walked in and called us sinners. In my head, all I could think about was the gross idea that they probably thought that my dad was the dad of my baby! For the past three years, I have been drinking almost every single night. I am an alcoholic. I'm in treatment now, but I drank to deal with my lost baby. I celebrated many events by getting drunk: 1/21- the night of the rape, 2/14, Valentine's Day- the day I found out I was pregnant, 3/1- the day of the abortion, and the whole month of October- around when my baby would have been born. It's been a long time now, and I'm still not over it. I never went to the hospital to heal my broken soul, as you would if you were in a car wreck. I was in an emotional car wreck. I still have some broken parts of me that never healed right. I never got a sympathy card. One day I will be a wonderful mother, but I will never forget my "first". My mother will never actually see her "first" grandchild. It's all very sad, but I know that there is a purpose for it all. It's strange, but I know that I have a strength in me. I get stronger every day. I hate to make things seem terrible. To any woman who has had or is contemplating an abortion, I give you this advice: 1. Get help from counselors, hotlines, anyone...if they make you uncomfortable, get another one. 2. Do not turn to alcohol or drugs; they only prolong the painful journey. 3. Listen only to people who are supportive/sensitive to your feelings; ignore the rest, they don't know what the hell they're talking about. 4. Love yourself. Thanks! Sorry this was so long...

• Very few people, even my husband know about my abortions. Yes, I use abortion in the plural, because I had 2 of them. Both within a 2 year period, in a very very hard time in my life. I was already a single parent of the most wonderful little boy alive but it was so hard, by myself and with no help. I sometimes couldn't feed myself, I always made sure he ate, but I myself went without at times. His father didn't help, except to come and get him on an occasional Satnight. I was 22 years old and very scared, I would try to get some kind of youth and vitality back in my life by going out with "RON", who was young and carefree. So I found out I got pregnant "Ron" said he didn't want it - and wouldn't help. I was already struggling - Another baby just didn't seem like the right thing for me or my son. So I aborted it. I'll never forget that feeling - I cried until I was put too sleep and woke up with tears still wet on my face. "Ron" was very uncaring and acted as if I was annoying him by crying about it. That night I held my son so close he had to tell me to stop "hugging so tight". Being the typical lonely poor me, I took "Ron" back after he apologized. We dated for awhile, again I didn't learn my lesson and got pregnant again. Same routine, same feelings, same thoughts. So there are my abortion stories - Told to strangers but never to those close to me. I have the most wonderful husband now. We've been together 4 years now. And though we have my son to grow with, we often talk about having another. So, we tried and I miscarried. I kept blubbering to my husband that I didn't deserve to have a baby. And I still feel the same way. That something bad is going to happen again if we try to have a baby. I just threw 2 good babies away - And who cried for them except me? It tortures me alot - I often wonder if its the little girl that I want so bad but don't deserve to have. I am not a victim, I'm educated and if the choices I sometimes make aren't the right ones, I learn from them and try to move on. However the abortions have left me scared, sad, and ashamed of what I have done. Guilt and remorse are as real today as they were 7 years ago. I never knew anything about PASS. I really felt as if what I was feeling was my punishment along with my miscarriage. I don't know how to make it any different. Please help... Thank you for listening and giving me the opportunity to share something I"ve kept in for 7 years.

  Name: Emma
  Story:
  I am 23 years old. I had an abortion in March and ever since then I haven't been able to get it out of my mind. It is the most emotionally painful thing I have ever gone through. I grew up with very religious parents and have never even considered the thought of abortion for myself. When I first found out I was pregnant, I was terrified, because eventhough as a child I always dreamed about having children someday, when I got a positive test result, I was going through a period when I wasn't sure if I would ever be emotionally ready to give up my freedom to take care of a baby, because when you're a mother, you're a mother for life. I had been seeing my boyfriend for 9 months, he is 11 years older than me and divorced with no children, and we were not ready for a baby yet. It was still early in our relationship, and I was in my last semester of college, with no substantial income and he was between jobs. He was battling high monthly bills and at the time was paying his utilities with credit cards. He couldn't see how he would be able to support himself, a baby and me (since I wouldn't be working for a while after the baby came and I hadn't got a job in my field yet)He said that if I really wanted the baby we would find a way to do it, and I would not do it alone, but he wasn't sure if we would end up together in the end. He thought the stress of the situation so early in our relationship would tear us apart. He obviously did not want me to have it, he didn't say one encouraging word about having the baby, only pointed out all of the negative aspects of it. Plus the burden of my parent's disappointment and embarrassment in me would have been almost unbearable for me to handle. So, considering all of these things, we decided to have the abortion. Not a day goes by that I don't think about it. I thought I would be ok. I have a couple of friends who have had abortions, and they are ok, so I thought I would be. I was totally fine, up until I heard the vacuum sound in the doctors office, it was then that I lost it. Immense feelings of guilt and sadness overcame me. I felt irresponsible and I began to mourn over never being able to see, hold, or care for my baby, it still seems weird to call it that, my baby. I actually had what was going to be a baby inside me. At the time of the abortion, it was only a cell, (I was only about 7 weeks along. Now, I don't feel guilty about the procedure itself, because it wasn't a physical baby, it was just a cell, but the sadness of never knowing my first child haunts me. I wonder what it would look like, and I knowing what I know now and the regretful feelings I have about it, I wish that I had not had the abortion. I'm scared that God will punish me by never being able to have children now. I wish so much that I could go back to that day, and make it not happen. Sometimes the pain is so unbearable that I don't know how I will ever live with it for the rest of my life. I'm young. I will forever have this on my conscience, and I hope someday I can forgive my boyfriend and myself for the decision we made, I made. I am hopeful that someday I can learn to accept my decision and realize I made the decision that was best for me at the time, and I could not predict what my feelings about it would be in the future. Always remember that you can only make the best decision you can at that time, given the information you have.
  
  

• (Name) Renee
  (story)
  NOTE: I am writing this not because I wish to find justification in what I did, but because I would like my unborn child to know. I was 19 when I found out that I was pregnant with my second child. I had my other child when I was 16 years old. She's a miracle. I was also in college. I had met the father of my second child just 3 months prior to me getting pregnant. He wanted a child from day one and he told me that. He wanted me and my daughter to move in with him from day one and he told me that also. The thing is, there was a lot of things that he did not tell me. I found out two months after I met him that he had lied about his age. I didn't find this out because he told me, I found out because I saw his driver's license. He was 31 years old. He was old enough to be my father. From then on the relationship changed. He acted like he was my father, but he was worse. He talked about me, about my hair, about my job, nothing I did was right as far as he was concerned. I was fat in his eyes. I was told that there were many girls that were prettier than I was. I suffered emotional and so! metimes even physical abuse from a grown man who swore that he loved me. We were planning on moving in together. Things happened and it did not work out like that. He ended up stealing a lot of money from me, and never giving me back the things that I had bought for the apartment. I told him it was over and I didn't want to speak to him again unless he was going to give me back my things. He didn't call for over a month, and I had no way of getting in touch with him. During that time I found out that I was pregnant. I remember he called me one day out of the blue like nothing had ever happened. I can't really remember what it was that he was saying, but I remember thinking to myself, "Maybe we can get back together and have the baby and live happily ever after." He was in the middle of saying something, and I just said, "...I'm pregnant." And I was very emotional at the time, so I just started crying. And then he said something that I will never forget. He said, "He said why are you crying, you need to grow up." I hurt I really did, and I couldn't tell him how I felt. He cared about having a son not about me, and I realized that. He wanted things to be the way that they were, but they couldn't be, I was hurt, by what he had did to me, and I couldn't see beyond that. He wanted this baby so much, and I know that he did, but I was determined to hurt him back for what he had done to me. I told him that I would take him to court if I didn't get my things back. I never heard from! him again after that. I am a selfish person. I killed my child because I wanted to hurt his father. I took away a precious gift from him that no one else had ever given him. I am not happy with what I did. I regret it every day. I know that I could have raised our child and loved our child like no one else could. I know that there will be another day when he calls me out of the blue and he asks about his child, and I have to tell him that I killed our child before it ever even had the opportunity to be born. All I can say is that there is no justification for what I did. I made myself believe that I could not do it, but in reality I could as long as I kept my faith in the Lord. At the clinic I made myself numb. I could not think about what they were going to do to me, to my baby. The thought of them sucking out my child is something that I never want to think about again. After the procedure, reality started to sink in. I wanted my baby back. What had I just done? Why didn't I protect my child like a mother is supposed to? Will I ever be able to forgive myself? Since it has happened, I've cried myself to sleep every night hoping that maybe if I cry enough it will bring my baby back. I hold my stomach and I feel an emptiness. I reach to hug my daughter and I know that someone is missing. I try to sleep at night, but I wonder if I really deserve to sleep in such peacefulness. I look at a baby and I wonder why he couldn't be mine. I look in the mirror and I see the eyes of a cold blooded killer. I pray for my unborn child every night and I know that he hears me. I think of him every second that I breathe and I wish that he could be hear with me, though in my own special way I know that he is. I look forward to the day when I can see you in Heaven and I can show you how much I love you. Please watch over me.
  
  
• Name: Jeannie
  Story:
  I am 45 yr old,married with 2 grown daughters, when i was 18 i got pregnant first time, my parents scheduled an abortion and i left home, i could not and would not, for i loved my boyfriend so much i knew this baby was out of love and i was going to have it. when i told my babys father he left me i moved in with friends and finally got my own apartment, the father came back and i told him to get lost, when my baby girl was 6 days old, i let her father see her, we were married 1 month later. The marriage was horrible, he drank and hit me all the time, 3 months later he was on top of me, i begged him to pull out i could not take the pill, he said i was his wife now and that he'd do anything he wants. i got pregnant again, my baby girl was only 3 mo's old and i was 19, when i told my husband he went nuts, he threw me around the apt and kicked my stomach, several days later my father and husband drove me to new york to have an abortion. When it was over i laid on the back seat of my dads car and cried harder than i ever had, it continue for 4 days, I could not believe i did this how could have ever let this happen, i believed in God and i was devastated, scared, and i knew i would never forgive myself, and made no difference what my dad or husband said, i would live with this guilt forever, i knew inside i could never had handled another baby, i could not ever take care of the one I had, often giving her to my sister while when i couldn't handled things, also i thought the baby inside me was going to be deformed or worse because of the beatings. my marriage ended , I took my daughter and moved away, i swore I'd never see him again. well i got married again had another little girl got divorced again, and raised my girls by myself, i worked 3 jobs and drank myself to oblivion every chance i could, 13 years later i saw my first husband again, he was clean and sober and as guilt ridden as i was, we went to couciling for several years and remarried in 1990, our first marriage was in 1973. our daughter was now 16, betweent the two of us we had 4 girls, we had both wanted a son but we knew what happened to the our son the only chance God was ever going to let us have, and we were going to pay that price forever. My husband again has never hurt me and has done everything in his power to try and make up the pain he caused, we forgave each other before God and thanked God for our second chance, we have been married now for 9 years. The only unhappiness we share is the unforgivable knowledge of what we did with our second baby, I have never and will never get over that decision the regret i have haunts me every day, I've ask God for forgiveness so many times I just can't forgive myself,what i would give to go back and change that decision, I'm so so sorry the only regret i have in life that i will carry to my death. How horribly wrong it was, I should have trusted God that he would seem me through that horrible time in my life and he would have kept me and my children safe somehow, why didn't I know that then, Dear God, please forgive me,please... God works in mysterious ways in an understatement! 1n 1993 our only daughter together gave birth to the most precious beautiful healthy baby boy, our grandchild's name is Christian James, he is now 5 1/2 The day our little boy was born was the day I knew God was giving us a second chance I knew God had forgiven us, this child has brought joy to myself that I had never known could have existed CJ loves his nana and grandpa and we treat him like the precious gift that he is that only God could have made possible, I can't tell you the gratitude in my heart, I fall to my knees and say I love you Jesus, I love you God, and yes I am still having trouble forgiving myself and I will still always live with the guilt inside me, you see God said he would forgive but he also said there will be a price to pay! But he also said that he loves me and he helps me heal every time I look into my grandsons eyes and hold his little hand and when he hugs me and says i love you nana, I look up to God and say I love you and thank you God for loving me and for forgiving me and my husband, we are so blessed and thankful. Love Jeannie.
  
  
• (Name) Kat
  Well I remember finding out that i was pregnant. It was just like yesterday. I was so scared to tell my parents because i knew that they would flip. Here i was 19 years of age my boyfriend just turning 18 and I was pregnant. Didn't finish college didn't have enough money to support myself let alone a child. I was so happy when I found out. At first Dan and I wanted to keep our son but then i was talking to my mom and she kinda pushed me into having the abortion done. I find out in March that I was pregnant . I got pregnant in Jan and Had the abortion done in April. I remember going to the Doc office with Dan waiting there for him to being me into the office to talk. I was looking at all these posters with mom and ther newborn baby's. I felt like running away and hiding. Then they called us in. The doc was so cold. He was talking to me like I was dumb and didn't understand nothing. I had my appointment for April 07. 99 the day before my sister was going in to have her child. It hurt so bad. I still call myself a killer and I hate myself for doing it. I even hate hostpal now. I sometimes don't want to go to sleep because I am scared that I am going to dream about my and Dan son hating me. Ever time I hear "Tears In Heaven" by Eric Clapton I cry because I wonder if my son will forgive me. I am still 19 and hate myself for what i did to my child. Thank-you for listening.
  Kathy God Bless
  

• (Name) April's Fool
  (story)
  I found out I was pregnant on April 1, 1999- April Fool's Day...I had called a good friend of mine earlier in the day, and had mentioned that I wasn't feeling well. She said,"you must be pregnant!" I laughed it off, but I stopped at the store for a pregnancy test anyway. I couldn't be pregnant, I rationalized. I would just take this test to put my mind to rest.... Once I got home, I put off taking the test for a few hours. I had intended on waiting until the following morning before I took the test, but by 11:00 PM, I knew I wanted to take the test now and be done with it. I still believed fully that there was no possible way I could be pregnant, After all, it was my body, and surely I would know if there was a baby growing inside me. I went to the bathroom, and took the pregnancy test. It turned positive almost immediately and stayed positive......I was dumbfounded, shocked, and terrified all at once. I opened the door to the bathroom and told my fianc�e to come here. I showed! him the test. I was crying and repeating, "I can't believe I'm pregnant" My future husband just hugged me tightly and didn't speak.
  
  I couldn't go to sleep that night...the news was overwhelming to me. I knew that I wanted to keep the baby. I knew that I wasn't ready to be a mother, but I was willing to take responsibility for my actions. I thought of a friend of mine who is a single mother, and how she has managed to do it. I wasn't single, I rationalized, in fact I was getting married in a few months. It would all work out. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I knew we could do it.
  
  The next morning, I went to my Dr to confirm the pregnancy. I was definitely pregnant, and the Dr suggested I make an appointment to see an OB doctor. I called my fianc�e to let him know what the Dr had said. I told a few of my close friends, who were thrilled to hear my news. I felt so confused and dazed that day. I couldn't decide if I was happy, sad, or angry. I knew that I still wanted to keep this baby, but the confusion, along with the nausea and fatigue was creeping in. My emotions were all over the place. I remember crying and laughing alot that day.
  
  As the days passed, my fianc�e and I began talking about our future, and the future with this child. It became increasingly obvious that he did not want to have this child. He never came out and said, go have an abortion, but he didn't have to. I honestly couldn't believe it. We had had those hypothetical "What if I get pregnant" conversations before, and I had always said that I would have the baby if I was to ever get pregnant unexpectedly. As the days past, every conversation we had about the baby ended with me sobbing and him looking confused and sad. He strongly kept up his argument... We weren't ready.... we weren't married.... he would feel as though I forced him into fatherhood.....he was still in school and would be able to finish if we had a baby now......he would end up being resentful of me and the baby.....
  
  I was so very confused and saddened by his reaction. I was also suffering by this point with extreme nausea and exhaustion. My spirit was weakened by this man. I didn't want to go through this pregnancy alone....I wanted him to support me and be there for me and his child. Maybe he was right...maybe this was for the best. I can still however, remember some of his comments that he made in the weeks prior to the abortion...I remember he once said that abortion was a way to correct a mistake... Another time, he asked me if I would choose this child over him?? I was so shocked and saddened by these comments that my spirit and soul was shattered. I couldn't begin to understand these responses from him. In those days, I had never felt so utterly alone in my life. I felt disconnected from him.
  
  I considered leaving him, and going to a friend of mine in another state for help and support through the pregnancy. But, despite all of this, I still loved my fianc�e deeply. And we were in the middle of planning a wedding. And, in the back of my mind, I hoped he would change his mind. I prayed every night that something or someone would make my fianc�e change his mind and support me in my decision. But, nothing did. And, beginning to feel disconnected from my own body and my own feelings, I called the clinic to make an appointment.
  
  I set the appointment for several weeks ahead of time. I still held on to a glimmer of hope that he would change his mind. I pretended that nothing was happening and went on about life as normal. I completely shut the idea out of my mind. I told no one of my plan. I remembered the nurse who took my appointment said that I would feel relieved when it was all over. Once I told my fianc�e of the appointment, he seemed relieved that I had decided to see thing his way. He arranged to take the day off, so he could be with me. We really didn't talk too much about what was going to happen. I know that I just wanted to forget, and pretend that appointment wasn't getting closer with each day.
  
  The day of the appointment arrived...the weather was terrible. I kept hoping that something would happen to make my fianc�e change his mind. I was terrified and extremely upset once we finally made it to the clinic-right on time of course. I held it together for all of 2 minutes. Then the nurse handed me another form to sign and the words "Unwanted Pregnancy" and "Surgical Abortion" were the only words I saw before the tears and silent sobs began....I kept praying as I slowly signed my name to the forms..."Please God make him realize the mistake we are making... just let him get up and lead me out of this horrible place.." The ink smudged on the forms as my tears dripped onto the paper. I wanted to grab him and beg him to not make me go through this. But, for reasons I have yet to fully understand, I handed my papers back to the nurse and walked into the doorway towards the examination room.....
  
  I was asked once if I was ok...I said yes. The ultrasound was performed and I saw my baby....the first and last time. The Doctor came in and spoke to me very kindly about the procedure. I was given a combination of valium and Demerol to relax me and ease any discomfort. A blood test was run to check my rh factor. I cried throughout the whole procedure, while the nurse held my hand. I heard the vacuum, felt the blood between my legs. felt the sucking sensation . And then it was over....it seemed like it took 30 seconds. 30 seconds...... Because I was so drugged, I suppose it made it easier. The experience now is really hazy, and I only remember bits and pieces of the day. My fianc�e came into the room while I was recovering to sit and hold my hand. I cried when he came into the room and I remember telling him this could never happen again. He said, " I know, I know" and stroked my hair while I rested.
  
  The range of emotions that I've experienced since this day is vast. I remember feeling a tiny bit of relief-relief that the procedure was over. Then the guilt and depression set in. And the anger and rage at my fianc�e. I felt unimaginable grief at what I'd done. I felt as though I had set my own beliefs aside in order to do what someone else thought was right. I would stare at pregnant woman and wonder if that is what I would have looked like. I would see babies and wonder what my baby looked like. I was obsessed with anything related to babies, and I craved for the experience that had been ripped out of me that day. I was so upset when I started my period a month later...I had foolishly hoped that I would be pregnant again, that I would have a chance to set the past straight.
  
  Since this happened, I am now a married woman. I married because I love him, and because I can forgive him. The abortion will always be a regret that I have, and I would do anything to have the chance to change the past. I should have listened to my heart and my feelings instead of what others think is best for me. I still have many of the feelings that I've described above, and it will take a while for that range of feelings to subside and become bearable. My husband and I are now going to counseling in part, to help us deal with the feelings surrounding the abortion. I continue to pray....I pray for peace within, and for my womb to be reopened someday so that I can give life to another.
  
  
• (Name) Michelle
  (story) When I find out I was pregnant I went to a friend who had an abortion for advise. The most important thing she said to me was make the decision that is "best for you, don't think about anyone else but you". Because I am a single mother of an eight year old this concept of thinking for myself is rare. Several thoughts flooded my mind as I tried to make the right decision. I knew that having an abortion was not going to be easy. I absolutely love children and dream of having more someday. I did not plan on having that option so soon. There were several determining factors that weighed heavy on emotions.I had no idea how I would pay for another child. My mother and step father are already helping me get-by. I wondered how it would affect my son. I questioned whether I would be able to give my son all the things he needed if I had another mouth to feed. I didn't know how much the father of this unborn child would be around. I thought about how much it hurt me to not have a dad when I was young and I did not want to put a child through that same hurt I went through. All of these questions with hardly any answers. How could I figure all this out on my own. Finally, I went to relatives and the suprising vote was abortion. The more people told me their opinions, the more I'd get upset. How can a pregnant woman make this decision? I cried until I couldn't breath some nights. When the date for the appointment for abortion came I felt I would let family members down if I didn't go through with it. I am 27 years old, why should I have been so concerned with what they thought? Why didn't I listen to myself? I thought I was being unreasonable thinking I could raise a child on my own, so I let the thoughts of others rule what my heart was telling me. The entire experience was a nightmare for me. I wish I could take it all back. I will never be able to change my mistake. Nothing seems to make it better. My only hope is that time will ease the pain. I hope that I can help someone else when faced with this dilemma.
  
  
• Name: he called me babe
  (story)
  My story is so very old and my experience has never gone away. I am still going to therapy for it. When I was 18 my boyfriend forced sex on me. All these years I blamed myself for something he did and now it came out in therapy. I told him I didn't want to have sex because it was a bad time but he must have been drunk or was smoking pot and he forced it on me. I did get pregnant and knew he didn't want to have a baby and he already had a girlfriend in College that he is now married to. I saw no way out, I didn't have a choice. I felt totally used and in shock, and had the abortion out of necessary for my own sanity, believe it or not I didn't think of it as a baby not once for the way he treated me. I couldn't believe God could ever permit this to happen, to ANYONE so I just went with my instincts. It has a very bad ending. We of course broke up and I could never trust men again after that. There were times when I became desperate and blamed myself for what happened. I had little respect for myself and felt useless, helpless...not ever being good enough. The story gets worse. When I learned HE married this girlfriend of his who killed my baby and ruined my life, I began to become a ticking time bomb. Not understanding why God could let a person go through so much pain. Not even understanding why I was permitted to live such an unfair life. You see He had children with this girl. One two three and then four. For as many babies he had, I became involved with 2 other guys and became pregnant over and over again until I reached number 4. It was like I was killing him and his lies and deceit over and over again. This cant go on. I then sought a good counselor and am now getting the help I so much need. I am married now for 12 years to a very good man who loves me more than I ever thought possible. It was a hard struggle, but I made it but I am on medication for depression and my PMS seems to be getting a little better.
  
  
• (Name) Rachel
  (story)
  I was fifteen and I was dating this guy for almost a year. He had been asking me to have sex with him for most of our relationship,I gave in. The very first time I had sex I got Pregnant. I was only 15 and I had no idea what to do. I started to get sick all the time I could not eat a thing, I thought I was dying or something. I had no idea about morning sickness then. Well I finally got the nerve to tell my mother. She told me I had a week to decide what I was going to do. The guy had left me and said it wasn't his baby, he even had his family call me and tell me I was a slut and they also told me if I had an abortion they would get me. I was all alone no one would even talk to me at home or school. I came to the decision to have the abortion. I am now 20 and I have a child and a husband. I think about it all the time. But there is no doubt in my mind that I made the right decision.
  
  
• (Name) Anonymous
  (story)I Can't Believe it Happened Twice....
  
  In February 1994 I met Matt who was at the time 19 years old and in the USAF. I was 16. 4 months previously I had broken up with my first boyfriend. I guess I was lonely but I am really not sure why I slept with Matt just one week after meeting him, on Feb. 13. Maybe romance was in the air because of Valentine�s day. I don�t know. Anyway, he lived 6 hours away at the Air Force base and so we didn�t get to see each other very often. About every 2-3 weeks if we were lucky. So when I found out I was pregnant I knew exactly when it had happened. Luckily, Matt was supportive of me we were together and he loved me and everything. So even though we hadn�t been together long there was no worry of him leaving me since I was pregnant. It�s been so long, I don�t remember everything I went through at that time. I just started feeling funny, which then progressed to feeling massively sick in the mornings. Soon puking 3-7 times a day became the routine. I knew I had to be pregnant but I was 16 and scared to face the reality. I actually never took a pregnancy test. It was awful because I was of course still in high school and it was really difficult to get up from class and leave to go puke several times in one day without anyone suspecting anything. I pulled it off somehow. I stopped eating in the mornings thinking that if I had nothing to throw up then I wouldn�t. Was I wrong. Dry heaves are worse than actually throwing up. When I was at home I would go into my closet and throw up into a trash can so my parents wouldn�t hear. I didn�t want to go into the bathroom because they would wonder what was going on. I really felt miserable all the time. I would wear huge baggy clothes to school and I quit wearing makeup and doing my hair. I looked like I felt. I didn�t have many friends so I guess no one really suspected anything. The only people that knew were my best friend at the time, Stacy, Matt, and his best friend (also Stacy�s boyfriend) Steve. Because I felt so awful as a result of this pregnancy, plus the fact that I was 16, unmarried, and had really unforgiving parents, it made the decision to have an abortion not too difficult. I really felt I had no other options. So I looked in the phone book and found some places. But I was afraid to call so Matt did it for me. He made all the arrangements all I had to do was show up. It was at a place in a town 2 hours away on a Saturday. He was coming up from the base and meeting us at the Parkside mall just outside of town. I had no car at the time so Stacy was taking me. Her boyfriend Steve was also coming along. The weeks leading up the abortion were nerve wracking. My biggest fear in the world was that my parents would find out. I never really thought much about it being a baby inside of me. I was in a state of denial. To me it was just something that made me sick all the time and that had to be gotten rid of. I began to fear that something would go wrong in the procedure and I would have to be hospitalized or something. Then my parents would find out for sure. I thought if something did go wrong I hope I die so I don�t have to be around to face their wrath. My junior prom was the week before the abortion was scheduled. I was sick the whole time but I still went and smiled for the picture. I of course wasn�t showing yet so no one would have guessed, with me in my tiny little velvet dress, smiling and laughing, what I would be doing in just one week. On the way to the hotel where the prom was being held, for the first time I heard the latest song by Tim McGraw : �Don�t Take the Girl�. Of course that song became associated with my pregnancy and the coming abortion. I cried when I heard the song and had to redo my makeup going down the road in Matt�s truck. Ever after I cannot listen to that song without thinking of all this. For a long time I couldn�t listen to that song at all without breaking down. Several times I was in a public place such as a restaurant and had to run outside when that song came on to avoid busting out in tears in front of everyone. A few people must have thought I was crazy anyway. We had to be at the clinic that Saturday morning at 8:30 am which was really difficult for us to come up with an excuse of why we were leaving the house that early, and also why we would be gone all day. So I just told my parents I was spending the night with Stacy and would be home the next evening. That was it. But we had to come up with something to tell her parents. So we said that we were doing a community service project for a school club we were going around to old people�s yards and raking leaves, trimming hedges etc.. It wasn�t a complete fabrication, we had actually done it once before. We were getting up early to do it so it would be cool. Her parents bought it so we took off from her house, urine sample in my purse at 6 am and headed out. I don�t remember much about the ride down there, except I was scared stiff and sick as a dog. She had to pull over once for me to throw up on the side of the highway. We met Matt and Steve and went to the clinic. Matt and I didn�t say much to each other during the trip. When we got there I had to turn in my sample and fill out paperwork. You can�t of course legally get an abortion without parental consent unless you are over 18. Being only 16, I had to lie about my birthdate. I fabricated a lot of stuff on those forms, including my address and SSN because I was afraid of it getting back to my parents somehow. It�s funny because no one said anything about my age even though I must have looked 12. I�ve always looked really young. But I guess they don�t care as long as they get their money: $250, in cash. Matt got it I think he borrowed it from his mom. Good thing because I could have never laid my hands on that much money. Then they called us in to talk to us yes, you are pregnant, are you sure you want to get an abortion? And so on and so on� They go thru the procedure with you, tell you what�s going to happen. I don�t care, I just want to get it over with. They take a blood sample to make sure that you�re not Rh negative, which can cause complications. I wasn�t. They take an ultrasound, and then they give me some pills: Valium I think, and some other little pink and blue pills antibiotics to prevent infection and another to dilate the cervix and induce uterine contractions to expel anything that might be left after the procedure. I have to go sit out in the waiting room and wait to get sleepy from the Valium. It totally knocked me out. I just have vague memories of being led (more like, held up) by a nurse into a cold examining room. There was a lady that couldn�t speak but in a very low rasp she had had vocal cord surgery or something. They helped me out of my shoes, shorts, and panties then put me up on the table. It was my first time in stirrups I had never been to a gynecologist before. I was very groggy, and they left me alone in that cold room, while I waited fearfully if deliriously. After a time the nurse and a strange man (the doctor) entered the room. I never really looked at him don�t even know his name. [Oh god this is so hard] I�m not sure what happened next. I remember the speculum the tube the stick into you then widen so they can see your cervix. It was cold and very uncomfortable. I remember the doctor talking to me telling me what he was about to do. [I can barely type I�m shaking�] He had to give me a shot in the cervix, I don�t remember what it was for either to dilate it or deaden it. This might sting� god damn it hurt. Felt like wild fires running thru my belly. I�m gonna die� calm down, honey, you�re gonna be Ok. I look at the nurse and try to smile. I�m Ok, I can handle this. But I have her hand in a death grip. It seems like I had to wait a while for the shot can take effect. Really my memories are very sketchy. I�ve probably blocked out much of the procedure. I remember feeling sensations inside of me, not pain but just pressure and discomfort. And there was the loud noise of the machine, sucking� I lay there looking at the ceiling wondering when the pain is going to start, when I�m going to die� then it�s over and the doctor leaves the room. It was quick. It�s over honey, you�re Ok. Sit up now, let�s get you cleaned up. I sit up wondering how I am still alive. I look down and all over the paper sheet covering the bed I was laying on � blood, blood. Oh god oh god, I�m bleeding to death. How can there be so much blood? I wonder where my baby is. I think, that is the first time I ever thought �my baby�. But now, it is too late for my baby is dead. My baby is in pieces in a cold glass jar somewhere a bloody dead mass. What do they do with it? I picture a dumpster out back filled with tiny bloody corpses. No, they couldn�t do that. But what do they do with it? The nurse interrupts my thoughts, handing me little cloths to clean myself with. I expect to feel pain when I touch myself with it there is none. So I wipe off the blood. She gives me a pad to put in my panties you�re gonna bleed for a while so you�ll need this. But it�s Ok, it�s normal.. I get dressed and she leads me to a room filled with couches and recliners. The recovery room. All around girls are laying in these chairs, looking dazed , unhappy , and in pain. I lay in a recliner by the door, she gives me a blanket for the room is cold. I lay there not thinking. Time passes and another nurse brings me some crackers and a small glass of� 7up? Water? I don�t remember. I didn�t touch it. You need to get something in your stomach honey. I nibble a cracker and stare into space. Finally, I can go. They lead me out, give me back to Matt, Stacy, and Steve. They put me in Matt�s truck. I think I laid down. I don�t remember. I faded in and out of consciousness while they drove back to the Parkside mall. Of all things they decide they are hungry and drag me into Shoney�s. I�m sure I said I didn�t mind. I wasn�t all there shock and the Valium. I sat in the booth, leaning against the wall, sleeping while they ate. I ordered a glass of tea but after I tried to drink out of the end of the spoon thinking it was a straw I didn�t drink anymore. Finally we were leaving I got in Stacy�s car and I laid the seat back and fell asleep while she drove. We stopped once I was so groggy but she thought I needed to walk around for some reason. Finally we got back and she took me home. I told my parents that we had been up all night and I was tired. They didn�t say anything about it and I went into my room and slept till the next day. There were no complications, everything went Ok and I was fine. The bleeding continued for several days then stopped, and I went on the pill. I was so relieved that it was over with. But there was a desolation inside of me too. I had a lot of bad dreams I often would hear the machine, and it�s sucking, loud sucking noise. I�d wake up screaming and crying. I�d get my period and freak out having flashbacks to all the blood on the paper sheet at the clinic. I didn�t tell anyone about this though. For all they knew I was fine. Matt and I really didn�t talk about it much more either. We both just tried to forget about it, block it out. We broke up a year later. That was 3 years ago and I�ve hardly spoken to him since. I often wonder if he thinks about it. But, it doesn�t matter. I know he probably does, sometimes as I do, all the time. Senior year came and my friend Stacy thought she might be pregnant. So I went with her to a free clinic to get a pregnancy test. She was indeed pregnant, and their goal was to discourage her from having an abortion. They showed a video of an ultrasound performed during an abortion. Called �The Silent Scream�, it graphically depicted the fetus desperately trying to escape the invading instruments that came to claim its life. The fetus did indeed appear to �scream� and fight until it was ripped to pieces and died. It was the most horrendous thing I have ever seen before or since, and it really brought home what really did occur on that day. But even then I knew that I had had no other choice. Luckily for Stacy, she got the �easy� way out she did not have an abortion but instead miscarried. While still a painful experience at least she will not have it on her conscience as she did not cause it. We all finally graduated, and I went off to college. There I met John in a class and we dated for a while and officially got together in November of that year. The birth control pills that I had gotten at the clinic the previous year had run out I had never gone back to get anymore. I guess I didn�t believe it could happen to me again or something because we never used any protection either. I shouldn�t have been surprised when I turned up pregnant in May of the following year. I didn�t know the exact date of the conception this time but guess it to be around the end of April. The same nightmare started anew, and now that my freshman year at college was over, I moved out of the dorms and went back home to live with my parents. Once again the clandestine trips to the closet with a wastebasket. Luckily now I wasn�t in school so I could pretty much just lay in bed all the time, which helped. It�s funny because I remember even less about this time than the first one. I remember facts but not really details. I guess I�m still blocking it out. Anyway I tell John and once again we feel we have no options, but one� We�re both in college, unmarried, living with our parents, both sets of which would be very upset if they found out. So we made the appointment. Same place June 1. By this time Stacy and I are no longer friends so my friend Julie takes me. It�s like a freakish nightmare, d�j� vu straight out of the Twilight Zone as I repeat the events of 2 years ago. I spend the night with her, we drive 2 hours to meet John at the Parkside Mall, proceed to the clinic. Everything is the same. I remember next to nothing about it this time, except there was the same raspy voiced nurse, and this time it hurt a lot more. During the procedure I freaked out and hyperventilated, then threw up over the side of the bed into a hastily procured wastebasket. I think I was freaking because I was reliving this awful event again in reality. I can�t believe I did it again, I can�t believe it happened twice. But at least it�s over and I can start over. But can I ever really start over? These two events will be with me for the rest of my life. I have 2 babies I can never hold, never see, never know. My first would have been born in November 1994, she would now be almost 4. The other would have been born January 1997, he would be a 1 � . It�s hard to imagine, but impossible to forget. You see I have chosen the sex for my babies of course I do not know but in my heart I feel that that is how they were first a girl then a boy. Although I sometimes find it hard to believe in an afterlife, I hope that one day I will get to see, meet and hold my 2 children that I never knew, and I hope that they can forgive me for what I did to them. Only then will I be able to forgive myself.
  
  
• (Name)Dany
  (story)
  
  I am 35 years old and separated from my husband for 2 years. I began dating a nice guy about 6 months ago but the relationship was more friendship so we ended it - but just after splitting up I found out I was pregnant. I have 3 children from my marriage a 10 year old and twin 8 year olds and receive no financial support from my ex-husband so after discussing it with the father of the baby we decided that the only option was abortion. I have always been pro choice but it was very hard for me because the procedure was done at 14 and 1/2 weeks so I had to have the two day procedure. The father was with me for those two days but afterwards he left without a word. Except for a few close friends I kept the abortion to myself as my divorce is not very pleasant and my family is already having trouble dealing with that situation - so without the support of the father afterward I was alone trying to deal with the grief. Having had the privilege of producing 3 beautiful daughters from my body and experiencing pregnancy and childbirth this was very difficult for me - especially because it was my third pregnancy and I was feeling the baby move - my body changes came sooner and it was very difficult to remain detached. I never expected to feel such an overwhelming sense of loss and guilt. I also needed to find and make my peace with the father of the baby and finally after 2 1/2 months of asking him to see me so I could tell him about the pain I was feeling I was able to find some peace and healing by being able to have him share in some of my pain which he had not wanted to do in the beginning. That was particularly important to me although some people did not understand. It has been almost 3 months now since the abortion and although I still have movements of sadness and feelings of loss - the guilt is not as great because I am reminded that as painful as it was - I still have 3 beautiful daughters that I still need to raise and focus on. And they and myself have already been through so much with the separation and divorce that the choice that the father and I made was the right one.
  
  
• (Name) amber
  I remember walking into the abortion clinic thinking, "Why am I doing this?" I didn't really know why, but I just knew I had to do it or else I'd hurt a lot of people. I was only 14 at the time I got pregnant, I dropped out of school because of morning sickness, and to top things all off my mother threatened to send my boyfriend off to jail if I didn't do what she said and had an abortion. I didn't want the abortion...to this day I wish I would've had my baby. It's something I think about everyday of my life. I'm only 17 yet, but still, that hidden life was a part of me and even though I never felt or knew the child, it was mine and I loved it. When I got inside the clinic, a nurse with a pink shirt on and a huge grin on her face greeted me at the door and hurried me inside. There, I took a pill to help open my cervix during the procedure and they took blood and vitals like they do at the regular doctors office. At that point, I really wasn't feeling any emotions or guilt or anything, because being only fourteen, who knew what to expect! When I got into the room where they would start the procedure, fear flooded my brain as I saw all of the instruments on the table next to me. When i was undressing, I noticed a beautiful picture of a newborn baby and a teenage girl. I looked at it and thought, "That could be me in 7 months...", but I felt as though it was too late and there was no turning back. When I saw that picture though, I couldn't help but to cry because I realized now what was actually happening! I was letting somebody kill my baby! I sobbed throughout the whole procedure, and the whole while in the recovery room. I don't know what came over me during those last few minutes of the procedure, I just couldn't stop crying. My boyfriend at the time was int he room with me holding my hand while it was being done. I kept looking at him with disgust and hatred in my eyes. He knew I blamed him for us losing our child. I felt so alone and frustrated after my abortion, I didn't want to know anybody--even myself. I felt suicidal and depressed, then one day I decided I couldn't live without my baby and for what i did to it. So, on July 6, 1997, I tried to take my life. Of course it obviously didn't work out the way I planned, but since then I have gotten extensive counseling and have learned to accept my abortion. Sure, from time to time, I still think about the child I could've had and wanted, but I know that you can't change the past, and it was God's way of giving me a challenge in the game of "life."
  
  
• (Name) Cheyenne
  
  My story is very long and spans over fifteen years. I come from a very strict and rigid Catholic family, which may explain why I would rebel and be careless with my past sexual experiences. The old cut your nose off to spite your face syndrome. It has been fifteen years since I had my first abortion. I was sixteen. My boyfriend was 22 and wanted to marry me and have the child. But I was sixteen and a sophomore in high school - and scared! With the role model of a strict Catholic father, I was certain that God would through me in to a pit of everlasting fire for having premarital sex. My family was moving across the country in two weeks when I found out. Out of desperation to "correct" the situation, I had the abortion, and three days later moved across country. I was alone through that entire experience, and never shared it with anyone until now.

  I experienced a deep depression following the move and the abortion. I locked myself in my new room for three weeks!

  Later, when I was a freshman in college, I had to drop out of school because I was experiencing severe depression. I was considering suicide, and became emancipated. That summer I saw a psychologist, who put me on Prozac for depression and Xanax for anxiety. I never told her about the abortion. I was in such a deep denial that I didn't think it mattered.

  I went off the drugs after finding out the side effects, and later started taking herbs and supplements to treat the symptoms of depression and anxiety, and eating a vegetarian, organic diet. (I still do to this day)

  My second abortion was when I was 20. I was in college, and my boyfriend was a 24-year-old professional who lived four hours away. He came up immediately when he found out. He wasn't sure how I was going to handle the situation and was concerned about my mental stability. I remember sitting in his jeep in a driving rain, and feeling the resistance from him. I considered having that child with him, but he resented the idea. Goals and financing were his primary issues. So I had the abortion, and he and I broke up shortly there after.

  A few months later I found I had cervical dysphasia, and had laser surgery. My third abortion came after an evolution in my spiritual beliefs. I had been married and then divorced. Following my divorce, I was celibate for two years. I just wanted to focus on the healing. I was 27 and met a man who was 46. We wanted to offer me a home and a safe haven to continue my healing process. So I accepted, only to experience his sexual advancements, resulting in yet another pregnancy. This time I was pissed! What the hell was going on? I felt as if his attempts to get me pregnant were intentional. I started to eat junk food and a lot of it. He was a "starving artist" and I certainly did not want to have a child with this man. I didn't love him and I didn't feel secure with him. He already had a child that he had abandoned financially years earlier.

  Somehow, we scraped the money together and I had yet another abortion. The experience this time was much more traumatic for me. I wasn't so detached and could really feel the intense act of going against the prime directive of Mother Nature. I moved out and have had a great deal of anger towards him since.

  I met my life-partner a couple years ago. We have been struggling with my sexual inhibitions that have resulted from these experiences. He has been very patient and loves me very much. He and I want to have children. But first I need to heal from these experiences. I've started to do some healing writings from all of these experiences. I've realized that the source comes from the issue of anger with my father, and at times, my mother. I wrote "The Letter" to my father a few months ago, and haven't heard from him since. He and I hadn't been talking for a few years anyway, ever since my divorce. He has no idea that I've had even an abortion, never mind three. And if he did know, he would never talk to me again. But he doesn't even talk to me now. So I ask myself at this moment, "So what if I did tell him?" It wouldn't change any type of personal dynamics between us, but maybe it would help me heal? Continued healing,
  Cheyenne
  

• (Name) Sandra
  (story) Fourteen years ago I got pregnant more or less deliberately and kept my child even though I knew the father was an irresponsible unreliable jerk: he never made any efort to spend time with her or get to know her in any way in all those years. It broke my heart to see her abandoned by him. It was also really hard for me to parent alone and in poverty: often severe hardship and stress. A year ago I fell in love with a really great man and after about six months found myself pregnant again. Although I was more deeply in love than I ever imagined I knew that I didn't know my partner well enough to trust him whit another life. We had agreed early in not to have children: he had abuse issues he was working through, as did I, and one child already that he never saw (hmmm a pattern maybe?). We agreed to have an abortion even though I knew in my heart that I should have this baby and that I had been expecting it for years:I had always "known" that I would have another child when my daughter was thirteen. Well it didn't quite work out that way. My partner had a violent attack of fear and ran away. I had a complete breakdown before and after the abortion. My partner came back briefly for about a week to take me to the hospital but then took off in a flurry of blame and emotional attack. I took up drinking and stopped eating. I could not have raised another child alone and obviously I couldn't depend on Dave to support me in the process and I was on medication for an unrelated condition that could have harmed my child yet I have never regretted anything so much. I cry every day. I see a therapist as often as possible. I burn up the crisis phone lines. I feel like I can't tell my friends how much it still hurts now, it's been seven months I expect them to say: aren't you ever going to let this go? I miss Dave, I miss the dream I had of getting married and raising a family and living together in nuclear family bliss in the sunset. This has been a big slap in the face for me about dreams coming true if you believe enough or something. I'm tired and depressed and just can't get excited about life anymore. I'm going to school and lots of great things are happening in my life but I feel numb and dead inside. I'm not sorry I had the abortion: I couldn't survive any other way but I am FURIOUS with a culture and society that puts women in this position! How come the men run off and don't have to give up their dreams (I gave up on architecture when I got pregnant the first time and have been incredibly poor ever since) to care for their children? How come women aren't adequately paid for the work they can do? Why aren't mothers paid for the incredible job they DO? It seems like so many people who are pro-life are also against single mothers and punish them with poverty for what? Choosing not to have an abortion? Talk about your lose-lose situations.
  
  
• (Name) J.J.
  (story)I was 17 when I had an abortion. I was raped, I guess now I feel that way. I was drunk, I said no and cried the whole time. I remember how it felt to have his semen inside of me. I felt dirty and nasty, like a whore. I come from an alcoholic family, so I felt as if I deserved it. I was no good. I knew I was pregnant from the day after it happened. my body changed, I had stretch marks, (which I still have horribly now) my breasts grew, the whole bit. I was pregnant for a long time before I realized I had to do something. I was in track, soccer, band, worked..I was a good kid. I was out at the mall with my friend when I passed out. Dropped my tray, bloodied my lip and everything. I begged the guy not to call 911, I knew I was pregnant. I bought a test- positive-another-same etc.. Finally I had to swallow my pride and tell my Mother, an alcoholic, I was pregnant. She actually asked what I wanted to do..I wanted it gone..I wanted to forget about it, I wanted to play soccer. I was 17. She told my Dad which was always fatal and I had to go to the hospital because I was so far along. The sonogram was horrible. I remember the picture of my baby I still have it. I think for the most part I tried to block it out. But then the day came. I wanted to eat. I wanted to die. I prayed for death. I went to the hospital and they explained what would happen. I was numb. They put an IV in + took blood. They then did the most wretched part. They put this needle into my abdomen with a long tube running up to a bottle of fluid. She released the fluid and it killed the baby. I felt it jumping + kicking. I almost heard it screaming. They then inserted stuff into me that induced labor. I was in so much pain. They gave me shots, then the shots hurt. I had diarrhea. The baby came out in the bedpan. I slept. I woke up and they opened me up and I felt them pulling out all this stuff from inside me. I was bleeding so bad. I never cried. My breasts were lactating. All I thought about was soccer. I asked when I could play soccer and she said 2 weeks. I was mad at her. Everyone would know. I didn't start to feel any guilt or pain until I tried drugs 4 years ago. Maybe I was running from the pain + actually ran to it. I think of it as something that happened t! ! o someone else, not me. But now I'm married and I want to have a family one day. My husband knows,+ he is always supportive. I can't rid myself of the guilt, the pain, the loss.I feel so bad inside. Iwonder how it would look, I am so ashamed of myself. It's with me everyday.
  
  
• (Name)Kaz
  (story) The one thing Ive noticed at this site is that most of the women are from the US, I thought maybe my story may be helpful in that I'm from Scotland. The procedure here involves taking some pills, about four I think and then going back to the hospital a few days later to complete the medication. At this point you are admitted for a few hours aprox 5 and in that time the fetus is aborted. When I was in there were two other girls on the ward one screamed in pain almost the whole way through until she was eventually given medication to knock her out. I sat and drew a picture to the memory of the child I was aborting. The picture was of a pre-historic mother goddess with a fetus in her womb surrounded by a frame of plants and symbols.It was my way of expressing and coping with my feelings. The nurses on the ward commented on it and seemed almost shocked at what I was doing. To me it seemed natural to express myself in this way. I didn't feel much pain just pretty bad cramps like you might get if your periods really heavy. Then after a few hours a nurse appeared with some equipment that looked like a pair of scissors but with a triangular hoop on the end. She Said "dont worry this is not for you, no it Doesn't touch you". She didn't need to be any clearer I knew who it was for! I lay back and she removed the baby and then she held it up where I could see it and dropped it into a test tube right infront of my eyes. I just burst into tears and she started apologizing. It was about the size of the top of my thumb and it looked just like a little sort of bean, it was so very real. The nurse scuttled off and came back with a post abortion councilors card and suggested I phoned the number if I need some support. I think the nurse was trying to provoke a response from me because maybe the picture I was drawing gave her the impression I didn't care. Maybe thats why she made sure I saw my baby. After that I got dressed and went home. A few weeks later I went back for a scan to make sure the baby was gone but I knew it had I'd seen it! There was no post abortion support offered apart from the card the nurse gave me but I never bothered using it it seemed so lame. A few weeks after the abortion I split up with the father and since then Ive never really talked about it much to anyone, until now.
  
  
• (Name) Shawna
  I have had 2 abortions. The 1st I immediately (within hours) flew into deep & suicidal depression. I didn't really want to do it, but the "guy" wasn't interested AT ALL. It wasn't much of a relationship. I didn't know him very well. It seemed like an unbearable burden to place on either of us. He didn't come with me, or help. He did come back some months later and apologize. He said he felt guilty about the whole thing. I saw a therapist for quite awhile. She said it was good that I felt the pain so immediately (and boy did I!) My friends thought I was making it up, or trying to get attention, or just plain nuts. Finally I managed to drag myself out of the pit of despair. I "moved on" , put myself through business college, got a good job & started having fun again. I shortly hooked up with an ex-boyfriend of a friend of mine. A very handsome rogue, who was technically "sterile", low sperm count, etc. We discussed abortion, and I told him what I'd been through before, straight out. I explained that I couldn't deal with that ever again, and if for some reason I ever did get pregnant, abortion would not be an option. The doctor said it would take a miracle for the father to get anyone pregnant. Well, I'm here to say miracles do happen, after only about 2 or 3 months of dating. I kept the child, and the father left us while I was pregnant. I had a very difficult delivery, but I loved this baby more than anything on earth. Never did get him interested in the kid. When my son was a little over a year old, I met a guy, we fell in love, I got pregnant again when my son was 1-1/2. The guy couldn't handle it & insisted on abortion. I thought about it, that it would be a pretty perfect age difference for the son I had, etc., but I was unemployed and couldn't foresee providing for another child. I couldn't face doing it alone again, either. I also felt quite a stigma about being single with 2 kids by different men. The "guy" this time, although we had a relationship, had 3 kids and didn't want anymore & couldn't provide, etc. He also immediately became scarce and emotionally distant. He made it clear the whole situation was unwanted. So I had another abortion. Physically it was horrible. I almost died of infection. It was excruciating. But for some reason, I didn't feel too bad emotionally. I thought, since I had gone through all the therapy I must've learned how to cope with it. Funny thing. The guy came back about 2 years later & started talking about how old the kid would be & what it would be like, etc., etc.......I hadn't even known guys had those feelings. For them it seems so easy. But my god it made me angry. Now, years afterward, this one is bothering me. Actually, it tortures me. My son is lonely for a sibling. Everytime he brings it up (which seems like alot), I plunge into a depression. I'm lonely for more children. I wanted more kids, but now I'm about to turn 39, and hopes are flagging. Plus my son is 9, now. It's a pervasive, grieving, lonely, guilty, awful pain, that grips me, (especially at night) in it's icy claws. It just seems like this one will NEVER go away. The second time I knew it was wrong, but I did it anyway. That's what seems so unforgivable. I already knew that I definitely preferred a real live baby to the painful memory of an abortion. But that didn't stop me. I keep hoping I'll wake up and this will all be a bad dream. It seems like no one understands. People think I'm weird for even thinking about it still, let alone to feel bad. No one wants to talk about it. He would be 7 now. I always thought it was odd, how if you miscarry, or have a stillbirth or something, you get all this sympathy. But none if you abort. And it's even worse then, because it's something you did by choice, which makes you feel more guilty. I have a friend with 6 kids. She feels run ragged, but every time I see her, it opens the wounds. I could have that big, happy family scene, if I hadn't killed two children. I'm so sad.
  
  
• (Name) Adriane
  I have had two abortions. One was forced, the other by choice, or lack of choice. The first time, I was 19. I knew I was ready to break up with my boyfriend and that he was getting too pushy for me. When I went to tell him, we ended up having sex. He said he would use a condom, and he did, but I think it broke. For a while we tried to stay together, but eventually we separated for a bit until I found out I was pregnant in January 1995. He offered to marry me but I knew he didn't want to. It eventually came down to where he felt that abortion was the right choice for "us". Us? Him, he meant. He was away at school the day it happened. One of my girlfriends took me, leaving her husband and baby at home. It was Feb.11, 1995. I walked in and sat down. When they called my name, I went up and paid $460. I found out I got a "discount" because I was a student. They did blood tests, ultrasounds, and a pelvic exam. I had never had one before then. I felt violated. It makes me sick thinking about how scared I was. I sat and talked to a lady before they took me back, to make sure, for her, that I was doing this on "my own". Sure. They took me to the room, the doctor wasn't there, the nurse had me take off my pants and put my panties under the chair. I laid down and started to cry. I was so scared. I asked the counselor to stay with me and I held her and the nurses hand while he did it. I was so nervous, I clenched up and it hurt worse. I felt everything he did, even though they gave me pain killers. Toradol is supposed to kill all the pain, but unless you're given an IV, you can still feel sensations. IV's make me hysterical, and I didn't want to spend hours vomiting, so I said no. Eventually he was done. It was horrible hearing the suction as I laid there praying to God to forgive me. I swore nothing like that would ever happen again. The boyfriend was out of the picture. He eventually paid me back the money and we never saw each other again. He never even gave me a Valentine's present, which was three days later. I went to classes on Monday like nothing had happened, and I didn't even tell my parents. They would be devastated. The second time it happened, I was 23. My fianc�ee and I were over 8 months away from our wedding and I attend a Catholic college, though I am not. We had not been using protection other than my pills because we thought that was enough. I was sick, though, and found out later that can interfere with them. When I finally found out, he was willing to have the child, and I was too. I went to the doctor and found out that the medication I was on caused severe brain damage and that because I had tried to take an overdose of my birth control pill, I could have seriously harmed the fetus. Was I pressured by this knowledge? Yes. Did I feel I no choice? No. How would I raise a handicapped child though? My mother teaches them, and I know that I don't want to be around them. I found that this knowledge of what I was going to do still haunts me, but I conferred with a doctor and he told me that because of the pains I was having and the medicine I had taken, I was making the right choice. The second time was rougher for me. I had knowledge of what was happening, and my fianc�ee was so scared. I think he was more worried than I was. The actual abortion wasn't as rough, but I had NO pain killers this time, just naproxen, to relax my muscles. It was the afterwards, when I was passing clots that I laid on the floor curled up in a ball and cried. I know that what I did was the right choice for me at the time. And yes, I'm still pro-choice, but I don't feel that abortions are the right choice for alot of young people. I am a woman. I have the right to control my life and I take responsibility for what I did. No God I worship hates me for my mistakes, in fact, in the Bible it says "judge not lest ye be judge" My God knows my heart.
  
  
• (Name)Elayne
  I am 38 years old. I have a great husband, no kids, and the opportunity for an excellent career move in the near future. I found out I was pregnant one week after my period was late. I did not tell anyone. I thought about the child I was carrying one very long week. At the end of that week, I made an appointment at the abortion clinic 25 miles from my home. The staff was kind and caring, and completely confidential. I had the abortion a week later, and feel nothing but relief. The procedure only hurt for a minute, and I feel fine now. It was the right decision for me, and a decision only I could make.
  
  
• (Name) Kim
  
  I was 17 and attending a Christian school. It was my senior year and I was determined to have it all. I was cheerleader, soon to be homecoming queen, you name it and I was it. My boyfriend and I had been together for over a year now. I always knew in my heart if I were to ever get pregnant I would have an abortion. I was raised in a strict Christian home. You didn't drink, smoke, and you married as a virgin. I was trying so hard to quit having sex, afterall I felt guilty because I knew it was wrong in God's eyes. I quit taking the pill in efort to quit having sex. The very next month I gave in to temptation and used the "pull out" method, it failed. I started getting morning sickness 1 week of missing my period which lasted to the day I had the abortion. I was horribly sick! I would vomit 24hrs. a day. If I took a drink of water, in less than 2 minutes I vomited. I would vomit so much at school, people started to notice. I kept telling my mom it was the flu, but I think she knew. Stomach acid was burning my throat all the time because I threw that up as well, every morning. I was more miserable from the morning sickness than the thought of being pregnant. In my family if you are unmarried and pregnant you are a disgrace. I was too embarrassed to tell anyone other than my boyfriend. I know my mom would have been so let down and ashamed of me, especially because I was supposed to be a virgin and I had a lot going for me. I know if I had wanted to keep the baby my family would have provided for me. The entire reason I chose to have an abortion was because I was SELFISH. I had my life planned out, college, a big wedding. I knew if I kept the baby my parents would never allow any of those to happen. Plus I was into my cheerleading and other activities at school. I was really horrible selfish. Adoption was not an option because the being pregnant and people knowing was the whole issue.I wanted to have the abortion and no one to know about it. So, I did (having to stop along side of the road going there to vomit). Protesters were horrible. They wouldn't leave me alone, they followed me all the way to the door harassing me. The procedure was fine. I was under general and felt no pain. I never felt any pain even afterwards. The people there were nice. Some of the nurses were my grandmothers age. After is was over they gave me cookies and 7-up. I did however have too much anesthesia. I could not see straight to even stand up or put my clothes on. I just wanted to sleep for a week. What really bothered me is what were they going to do with the baby afterwards? Where does it go? The nurse said pathology looks at it then it's buried somewhere. I know this sounds gross, but I would have given anything to have taken the remains home and buried them close to me. Anyway rumors spread and my mom got called to school to hear them. That night at home my parents asked me if it was true. I had an abortion. I burst out crying and said Yes. I think now it was just eating me up inside not telling. My dad being the abusive father he is called me a whore over and over. My mom just cried. She hasn't looked at me the same since. Oh were best friends now, but that's a subject we can't talk about. My dad for about 5years afterwards when we fought, would remind me that I was a whore and killed my baby. I knew God had forgiven me, so why couldn't he. I'm married now to a wonderful Christian man. In a few years or so we'll be trying to have a family. Yes, I wonder if I'll have a second chance at having a blessing. The anniversary dates bother me a little, but no one ever told me when it would have been born. I wonder if it was a boy or girl. My mother years later told me she would have done the same thing if she were me. This made me feel better. The thing is I honestly believe I would not have changed my decision if I could. Even though I'm a Christian,I believe abortion should be legal. I am not for abortions later than the first trimester, but I feel there ought to be a safe and clean place for women choosing abortion. I ended up becoming a Registered Nurse in Obstetrics. It doesn't bother me to work with pregnant women or babies. Most women I see have abortion histories in their past. Its more common than a lot of people think. I feel being a Christian and believing abortion should be legal is my own personal decision. I don't feel anyone has the right to judge for that but God. Thanks for letting me share my story with you
  
  
• Terri
  I am 19 now, I had an abortion when I was 16. By now I thought I would be healed. I had been with my boyfriend about five months when I found out that I was pregnant I remember it as if it was yesterday... My period was late by two weeks, I bought a test, then when my boyfriend came over I did the test with him. When the test came back positive, my legs became so weak, that I feel to the ground. I began to cry. My boyfriend was really supportive, he wasn't upset at all. I was so confused. I was so young, I had plans to go to college, start a career in law enforcement before considering having children. This baby would make that almost impossible and postpone it for several years. My parents are very loving and supportive, but this is one thing I still don't think they would have been able to handle. I knew what I had to do...terminate it. To this day, i still wonder about what my baby would have been like. It is especially hard when it's birth date comes around. I know in my heart it was the right thing to do, but there is and, will always be a part of me that regrets that decision. Some days are worse than others, where I get really depressed over the whole ordeal. I am now in the process of being promoted to cadet of my local police service, I graduated college with honours. I live on my own and I just bought a new car. I know that I would have never have had these things if I would have had my baby. To all those who have had an abortion...it will get easier trust me, you will find peace, it may take a while but it will happen, just take your time, let the wound heal by it's self. One thing that helped me, was to write a letter to my baby. two things you might want to say is to explain to him/her how you feel, and why you chose to do what you did.
  
  
• (Name) sue
  I am 26 yrs. old and about to have my second abortion in a week. I was 22 when I had my first one. The procedure went very well. I had it done in a hospital. I didn't experience any pain maybe just slight cramps. I was very groggy from the anesthetic I slept the day away when I got home.The reason why I had it was because I had a slight drug problem and I felt the fetus would have been affected so I didn't want to take any chances. My boyfriend was very supportive, we were both sad but we knew it was for the better. I always told myself that I would not have another abortion, but here I am 4 yrs. later in the situation again. I've done a lot of thinking and have decided to go though with it again. The decision didn't come as easy this time because my now fianc�e has a different opion, he is ready to become a father but I am not ready to become a mother. I feel I am not emotionally ready at this time in my life. My fianc�e respects my decision and does support me.I do feel guilty and irresponsible doing this a second time but I guess this a decision I will have to live with.
  
  
• (Name) Iva
  Hi, I am 19 years old and I have made the single most self-inflicting decision in my life. Last December I found out I was pregnant I couldn't have been more excited. But my boyfriend didn't share my excited feelings, he was in the process of a divorce and a baby right then them, just wouldn't be a good thing. Some how he talked me into having the abortion. Since them I feel worthless, I feel as if I don't deserve My boyfriends love or anyone else's. I often feel like dying is the only is the only way away from the pain and guilt. Everyday I miss my child Ryan Edward and everyday I morn for him. I wish I could hold him and love him. I wish I made the right decision and had the baby...
  
  
• (Name) Kate
  I was a sophomore in a top college, studying occupational therapy. It was almost time for spring break, and I should have started my period that week but didn't. I had sex with my best friend 3 times the month before- right after my period. We were inseparable friends, and it seemed to be a logical thing to do at the time. I knew i was pregnant before I got back from spring break, but kept hoping I might not be right. About 3 days later I did a home pregnancy test. At first I was pretty scared, but once I went to Health Services and had another test and doctor's visit's and all, I got pretty excited about having a baby. The father wasn't so excited, but he said he would support me in whatever I wanted to do, and if I chose to keep it, he would move in with me and be there for me and the baby. I was about 12 weeks before I went home to tell my parents. I wanted to make sure I had everything in place first, financial aid, housing, everything. My parents were anything but thrilled. They gave me no choice but to have an abortion... and they wanted it done the next day. The soonest appointment I was able to get was a day after that, and I took it. I made myself not think about what I was doing, just put my heart away and do what had to be done. I was devastated. I never thought life would be the same again, and actually, it hasn't. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about my baby, but I am doing so much better now. It was April when I had the abortion, and last month, November, was when the baby would have been born. That was a tough month, but I got through it okay. I even got a different sort of "baby" from my parents- a little puppy. He has been so good for me! I will always regret that I had the abortion, for my selfish reasons that I really wanted the baby. However, I understand that it was probably the best thing for all of us. The guy is out of the picture now, and has turned into a person I don't even know. I am glad that I didn't subject my child to him for the rest of our lives. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, and I would never do it again. I can't wait to get married and have kids, I have always loved kids and wanted a family. Last spring just wasn't the right time for it. I have devoted myself to school, and am not even dating anyone right now, but someday I will, and I will have my baby. Until then... I'll miss you baby.
  
  
• I am seventeen years old and I had an abortion two weeks ago it was something I didn't really want to do ,but it had to be done. My boyfriend didn't want a child and I guess if that's what he wanted I had to make him happy. I made the wrong decision, I feel so empty and alone that I am not carrying my child anymore. He doesn't treat me the same and he doesn't like me to share my feels about how I feel. I regret doing what I did because I feel like a part of me is missing now I wish I would have found this web site sooner I think I would have done things differently I really wanted that baby more than anything I would do anything in my power if I could bring him or her back.

• (Name) jen
  
  I was 15 and my boyfriend was 20. We told my parents that he was 17 so that they wouldn't freak out and break us up. He wanted an adult relationship and I agreed to it. After a few months of this my period stopped. We went to a crisis pregnancy center for a free pregnancy test. They assured me that everything would be ok and if it was positive they would help me. I was scared. Petrified that it would be positive, but the test came out negative. My period still never came and eventually my mother realized that she hadn't washed any soiled underpants in almost 2 months. So she brought home a test from the drug store and had me take it. This time it was positive. I must have been in denial or something because I pointed out that these things are never 100% accurate 100% of the time. Mom agreed and took me to the hospital where she worked and had one of her doctor friends write me a serum pregnancy test order. A few hours later our family doctor called and told my mom that I was pregnant. My dad was then told. I'll never forget the way he just got up out of his chair and walked to the kitchen window without even a word to me. I saw his shoulders move up and down as he cried. I didn't see his face but I knew he was crying. The next day I told my boyfriend about the baby. He was excited about becoming a father and asked me to marry him. I said yes, but later when I told my parents the good news they said no. Dad told me that if I was just a few years older he would sign the parental consent papers for marriage and sign custody over to him, but a 15 year old had no business being married and that I was so young it wouldn't work out anyways. I was also told that they did not want to be stuck raising my children and if I kept the baby I would not be living at home. Since I could not marry the father I had to decide what I was going to do. Dad told me that I was never to see my boyfriend again but we still talked on the phone. I wanted to learn more about my options so I asked. I made the mistake of asking about abortion first. The next thing I knew my parents were on the phone to a clinic making an appointment and asking for time off of work so that they could take me down. I still was not given any information on what it was exactly or what was involved or how it was done. I wasn't sure I wanted to do this but the appointment was already made, I was expected to and I was told that if I didn't I wouldn't be allowed to live at home. I didn't know about the unwed home and I had no money and no place to go. My parents took me out of state to have it done, we went to Buffalo the night before and stayed in a motel close to the clinic. The date arrived and we got up early and went out to breakfast. Pancakes. As we were walking up the sidewalk some prolife men were standing there with signs. One of the men showed me a sign of a unborn baby with his thumb in his mouth. I can still hear those words "See? Your baby can already suck his thumb?" A stab of pain filled my heart but was quickly replaced by anger. Who the hell were these people who thought they could hurt me like this!! But I should have listened to them. They were the only ones who wanted to save both me and my baby. nce inside I told the secretary who I was and gave her the $300. I sat down to wait for the doctor who hadn't even arrived yet. After he finally got there he wrote orders for pregnancy and blood type tests. We were then called in one by one and did the tests. A little while later a group of us was called in and we were given the results by a nurse. Then the counselor came in and told us that the fetus was just a clump of cells and not a baby. She said he would feel no pain as the nervous system wasn't there. She explained how the doctor would use various sized rods one at a time to open the cervix, then he would insert a razor sharp, plastic, hollow tip into the uterus and turn the machine on. The cells would then be sucked into the machine. I later learned that it was sharp so that it could tear the baby apart while it sucked it in. We were all given a robe and led to a different waiting room and called one by one into the procedure room. When it was my turn the nurse helped me onto the table and into the stir-ups while the counselor held my hand. If it weren't for the counselor i think I would have had a breakdown. I'm glad someone was there to hold me. Things started happening like I was told they would and I was given a shot to reduce the pain. But the pain was still intense and very horrible. It felt like my insides were slowly being sucked into the machine. When I started crying the counselor squeezed my hand and told me everything would be ok and it was almost over. Finally it was over. The doctor turned the machine off and left the room. He was a very cold man with no feelings it seemed. The nurse brought in a wheelchair and she and the counselor helped me into it. I was wheeled into the recovery room and helped into a bed. My blood pressure and temperature was taken every 15 minutes while I was told to lay back and relax for a half an hour. At the end of the half and hour I was told I could go. On the drive home I just laid in the backseat and cried. It felt like I left a part of my soul back at the clinic and I felt empty inside. The next day I called my Ex boyfriend and told him I miscarried. I listened while he cried on the phone. He really wanted that baby and it hurt him. I'm somewhat relived that I didn't tell him the truth. I might not be alive today. Afterwards I became very pro choice and became violently angry at anyone who expressed a pro-life opinion. I became severely depressed and tried to commit suicide 3 times and ended up in the psych ward of the hospital a few times. I became a total slut and started eating so much that I became very overweight. I disobeyed my parents often and did things on purpose to antagonize my father, like leaving used condoms around where I thought he would find them. I started having nightmares about a baby crying and me trying to get to him but not being able to find him. Now I have 2 girls and I have nightmares of them being torn apart by a suction machine and I hear them screaming and I try to run to them to save them but I never get there in time before they are dead. It gets worse in November, the month that I had the abortion in.

• (Name) Edith Meucci
  I have not personally had an abortion. But I suffer from one just the same. 10 years ago my youngest daughter had an abortion. I came home from work one evening and found my precious baby girl lying on the bathroom floor in a pool of blood. I called an ambulance and at the hospital I learned that she had an abortion that morning. She died. Her uterus was punctured, and he cut her bladder. She bled to death in our own home. Please, i beg you, even if you believe that the fetus is not a life and is just a clump of cells, this procedure is not safe. I found this out the hardway by loosing one of my own precious daughters. Think hard before you do this and don't let anyone push you. If the man in your life pushing for something that you do not want then he does not love you and he does not respect you.

• (Name) Belinda
  I met my boyfriend on September 21, 1996. It was pretty much love at first sight. We were inseparable from the beginning. He was in a fraternity, so I went with him to their homecoming dance on October, 19. We got very intoxicated that night and had unprotected sex. A week after that I turned 20. We had a huge party and I got extremely ill. Over the next couple of days, my boyfriend kept telling my he thought I was pregnant. I bought a test to prove him wrong, but deep down I believed I was too. I went to his apartment to take the test, but he wasn't home. I took it anyway while talking to my best friend on the phone. I was very upset to see two lines on the test and took a second test. Same result. I waited for my boyfriend to get home and told him we needed to talk. He was very supportive. He put his arm around me, told me it would be ok, and we began calling doctors to get a real test. I went to our Student Health Center on Nov. 3 to confirm that I was indeed! pregnant. After that day, my whole life changed. My boyfriend was set on abortion and I was too scared to tell him no. We searched for the best, yet still inexpensive, abortion clinic. We found one a couple hours away and set the appointment for a few days before Thanksgiving. During those few weeks, I felt so much emotion. Feeling a baby grow inside you is such a miraculous feeling. I remember I did have a few cravings. I loved Chinese food. My boyfriend would always buy it for me, he was very sweet. On the night before the abortion we stayed at my friend's apartment so no one knew we would be leaving early in the morning and ask questions. I was very scared and nervous. When I saw the clinic I began to get freaked. It looked so isolated and cold. We were buzzed in and sent through security. Then the wait started. We were there approximately four and-a-half hours. I went through counseling and the different procedures. The worst part of that was signing the paper that committed me to the! abortion. My name was finally called and I went into a room with four other women. We were told to take of our pants and underwear, leaving our shoes on, a wrap ourselves in a sheet. Our name was called and we went into the procedure room. There the nurse asked me if I wanted extra pain medication. I declined and then said yes. I'm glad I did. After I was prepped, the doctor came in. He was very cold. He never said a word, just went about his daily job. I was ok until I heard the vacuum. Hearing my baby being sucked out of my womb was worse than the physical pain. Knowing that I couldn't turn back, I closed my eyes and prayed for it to be over. Five minutes later, it was. The doctor left, still without saying a word. the nurse helped me to a recliner in an ajoining room and gave me pretzels and water. We were given our instructions and sent on our way. Because I was very disillusioned, the nurse walked me to the lobby and my boyfriend pretty much carried me to the car. I laid my head on hi! s lap and went to sleep, trying to forget the horrible thing I had just done. My boyfriend tried to cheer me up. He canceled plans with his friends, bought me a happy meal from McDonalds and rented a movie. Laughter seemed to be my only way to not think about what had just happened. Eventually, the laughter wasn't enough. A week later I began bleeding and cramping. There was no way for me to forget. I felt like I was being punished. It's been two years this month since I Chloe's been gone. (I just knew my baby was a girl. My daughter deserved a name) It's very hard for me to talk about pregnancy, labor, babies, abortion, etc. I occasionally break, but I believed I was getting better. Until my best friend called to tell me she was pregnant. I should be happy for her, but all I can feel is resentment and anger. She gets to keep her baby, I don't. I've considered going off the pill and getting pregnant on purpose. I don't know if my boyfriend would support another pregnancy, but I want a baby so ! badly. It's a risk I'm willing to take. I find myself crying every day. I zone out and find it hard to concentrate. I become very depressed then purposely make myself laugh in order to hide my pain. My boyfriend feels I should move on and not "dwell in the past," so I can't confide in him. He doesn't understand what the big deal is. I guess only a mother could. I will always consider myself a mommy, even though Chloe was never given a chance. I feel like I have no one to talk to. I don't want to look for pity. I feel alone and the one person who can help me, I sent to heaven.
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