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jilly's writing - Lily Dreams

Lily Dreams

This story is about pre-birth and after-abortion communication I had with my baby that was never born. She told me her name was "Lily" when I was about 2 weeks pregnant. I heard her say to me, in my head "I'm Lily". I remember being kind of stunned, and thought I was hearing things. . I had been on two forms of birth control, and had been carefully trying to avoid pregnancy. But my birth control failed, and I found myself pregnant. Lily was not born because I had serious maternal health problems, along with some other extremely complicated situations in my life, and I chose to have an abortion at 8 weeks into the pregnancy. Even though I had made "the right choice" for my life, and for the life of my three children that were here, I was devastated, depressed, and grief-stricken afterwards.

I had serious trouble coping, and the first healing help was when I felt that connection with Lily, and when I saw her in that dream, the night I was trying once again to kill myself. It was the first week of June 1998, the abortion had been on May 24th. I had dragged myself to the bathroom, took out all the pills I had, lined them up on the sink and pondered them, wondered if they would be enough. I was dully afraid of winding up in the hospital with some kind of half-done job - afraid of not being able to do it right - afraid of being a semi-aware vegetable or something. As I stood there, I heard a voice just float through the air, like some kind of psychic echo, that said "not yet...." I didn't even really think much about it, but just sighed and put the pills back in the medicine cabinet , and slumped back downstairs to bed. Then I fell asleep and had 'the dream'.

In my dream I was swimming in the water, crying, by a pier that was floating in front of me. There was fog all around the surface of the water and fog on the pier. Something made me look up onto the pier, and as I did I saw the fog at the far end of the pier lift a bit, and two shadowy figures emerged - a tall one and a short one. I stopped crying as I watched them. The figures had a halo of glowing light around them, a kind of shimmering aura. I saw the tall one hang back and noticed it was an older woman, and the short one came forward. As she came closer, I could see it was a young girl of about 6, with long brown hair parted on the side and big brown eyes. She said to me "I'm Lily", and I instantly burst into tears. What was interesting here was that when I was pregnant, I felt the baby was a girl, and sometimes had a fantasy or two about what she would look like. In my ideas of her, she looked very much like my existing three children, just a 'slightly' different version. However this child in the dream did not look AT ALL as I had pictured her. She looked very much like my boyfriend in features and in hair coloring/eye coloring. Also Lily was not a name I ever would have picked for a girl. I like long, three syllable names for girls. I don't like names that are flowers, or months, or jewels (Lily, Rose, Opal, May, April, ect) I like long French names for girls, and preferred ones like Samantha, Emmaline, Sabrina, Nicollette, ect. . So anyway, she said "I'm Lily", and it was the same voice I had heard in my head when I was two weeks pregnant. I cried, and she said "It's Okay", and I said "Okay??? How can it be okay? look what I did to you! I didn't even give you a chance at life!". All this time she was about 3-4 feet from me, and looked very real, (even with that shimmery effect of light around her) but yet I could not reach up out of the water to her, and I knew somehow that I could not get on the pier. So I cried, and looked up at her. Also let me say that during this whole dream, all the 'talking' was done 'telepathically' - her mouth never opened, and the words were never spoken through her mouth, yet I could hear them as clear as a bell. My talking also was telepathic, I did not physically speak either. I remember thinking how strange this was at the time, yet also so completely natural and normal that we were communicating this way. She had this incredible look of compassion on her face, but then she shook her head at me, and said "It's wrong to try and cross over before your time". I put my head down, and said "I don't deserve to live, after what I did to you." Then she said "I knew what was going to happen even before we started down this path. I was not attached to the physical manifestation yet, and could move in and out at will. And I knew it would happen, it was meant to be, and holds a purpose for your life." Then I looked at her in confusion and said "A purpose??" and then I abruptly switched subjects and asked her "Why are you six? you shouldn't be six yet.." and she replied "We are all ageless, and I appear as six because this is a comfortable age for you to see me as." I floated there in the water, trying to digest this, and cried a few more short sobs. She looked at me again, then held out her arms and said "I don't need to forgive you, there is nothing to forgive. I love you with all my soul, and will see you and talk to you again." Suddenly I noticed that the older woman had moved up beside her on the pier. I could tell then that the woman was my maternal grandmother, who had died 6 years ago. I remember being surprised in my dream, because I was not especially close with my maternal grandmother, and if I were going to subconsciously 'pick' a person to be 'taking care' of my child in Heaven, it would not have been her, instead it would have been a friend that I was much closer to that had passed on. My grandmother did not speak, but acknowledged my presence with a short nod, then reached out her hand and took Lily's, and turned to walk her back to the light at the end of the pier. Lily looked over her shoulder at me and said "Remember this , and remember what I have said." Then she turned and walked back down the pier with my grandmother. I tried to pull myself out of the water onto the pier. "Wait!" I cried "I'm not done yet - there's more I want to say, more I want to know!" but it was too late, they had reached the light at the beginning of the pier, and were gone. I started crying again and was floating there, treading water as the whole area grew lighter and the fog lifted - then suddenly I woke up in my bed. It was so real, and I know it was real, because of the way it felt, and because of the people and things that were there.

It was still about 4 am, so I forced myself to go back to sleep. I was openly hoping I could get back to that pier, and have Lily come talk to me again. It did not happen, my sleep was deep and dreamless after that. When I woke up the next morning, my sadness, feelings of loss and grief were still there, but there was a lightness starting inside me. Because of that dream, somehow things had shifted, and the overwhelming, crushing urge to kill myself and be rid of the endless, unrepairable pain was gone. As the weeks went by, I remembered the dream over and over again. I tried to make it happen again, but it didn't. However it had been the genesis, even the catalyst of my recovery. As the months went by, I got better. I went to therapy, I worked on healing. When I would be asked by my counselor "What do you need to do to get better?" I would think on it for a day or two, and then it felt like an 'answer' would be funneled to me from the other side. Every time I got another answer, I would whisper "Thank you, Lily". As I worked on my website for other women trying to heal their lives after an abortion, some nights I would sit down to write at my keyboard, and words, ideas for healing, answers for other women would just pour right out of me. I feel as if some of my writing and healing ideas were channeled directly from Heaven, through my Lily and then to me.

Then Christmas 1998 rolled around and I became very sad again. I missed having a little baby to put into a cute red and green sleeper. I looked at my three other children, and wondered how they would be sharing Christmas morning with their sister, had she been born. I remembered the Saturday morning in May when I was about 6 weeks pregnant, and I was laying on the couch fighting the never-ending morning sickness. My 5 year old daughter walked over and laid her hand on my stomach and announced "My baby sister is in there." I remember being shocked into speechlessness for a moment, because I had told no one about the pregnancy, and certainly not my children. Her two brothers looked over from their cartoons and said "No it's not, Mom is not having any more babies!" and I struggled and found my voice again, and weakly agreed with her brothers, and told all three of them "I am not pregnant, your brothers are right, your sister is not in there." She gazed at me with this incredible look, and repeated again "My sister is in there!", and then walked away to play. I thought about that morning again, and wanted to ask my daughter about it. But I didn't know where to even start, so I never did. Christmas passed, New Years' came, and suddenly it was 1999. Around March I was feeling better, but because of some things my boyfriend had been saying, I started to wonder if it was real, this communication with "Lily" or had it just been a 'regular' dream. Was it real? Did I talk to my daughter? Or was it something my brain was making up, to make me feel better? Maybe I was just hearing what I wanted to hear? Maybe it was all my imagination? So I said to the sky, to God, to "Lily":

"Okay, if this is real, if you really are "Lily", and I didn't just imagine it all, give me some kind of sign - prove to me that I was not just going through some kind of grief psychosis or something!"

Nothing happened immediately, the sky didn't fall, lightning didn't strike nearby or anything. But I had made my request for proof, for something tangible that would show me clearly if what I had experienced was real. So I decided to wait and see..

The next day I went off to house-sit for two weeks, for a friend of my sister's who was going off to Cancun. The woman had a little pet menagerie - birds, cats, a peacock, and one of the six cats was named 'Lily'. Surprisingly enough, the only cat that would come near me, wasn't afraid of me, fell instantly in love with me and rubbed herself all over me and slept in bed curled up with me at night for the whole two weeks I was there was Lily!! But that's not all.. There was a really cool old fashioned picture of a racehorse in the bathroom, standing in the winner's circle, wearing the wreath of roses with her jockey- I looked closer - what was the horse's name? "Taccarro Lily". Interesting, I thought.. Two 'Lilys' in a day after I asked for my 'sign'. So the very next day I went in for my normal weekly therapy appointment. I found that their old receptionist had suddenly quit, and the new one's name was... Lily!!! Imagine that? I was starting to see a sign coming. I went home that afternoon after therapy, and I never watch much commercial TV, but here I was house-sitting, alone and bored, so I turned on a show called "Veronica's Closet" with Kirstie Allie - there was a special guest character on the show that night, and her name was Lily! The next morning I go to clean the cat box out, with six cats, phew!! don't know how this woman stood it. Anyway, I couldn't find the outdoor hose. I searched and searched, and finally found it behind a few large pots. In the pots, were all these little tags, identifying the contents - what bulbs were in these pots?? Lilies. So I go into work the next day. My boss talks about the new dog she has adopted, and says they decided to name her, you guessed it "Lily" - she said the name came to them "out of the blue", that hadn't ever thought of it before. I didn't share the significance of it all with her, but internally I was amazed at how many times in just a few days that the name "Lily" showed up! Maybe it was all just coincidence - but Lily is not a common name - and it was odd that I suddenly ran into all these occurrences of the name "Lily" so frequently, right after I was questioning my faith... I thought it was a clear answer to my request to the Universe and Lily to give me a sign that I could believe in!! And I do believe. I know my Lily is real, I know my communication with her was real, and even know I sometimes feel her around, and get 'messages' from her. It was an amazing experience for me, and if anyone else tries, I hope they get the same results for communication. If you DO experience communication with your child's spirit, and would like to share it, I would love to add it to this section - please email it to me at jilly@afterabortion.com


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